So a few weeks ago I show up and the bar is fairly quiet. The locals had not yet begun turning themselves into bigger drains on society tonight....wait for it....wait for it...wait for it..... BAM! In through the door walks about 25 sloshed souls. A pub crawl was on tap tonight.... YIPPIE! So much fun I could barely hold my colon. I was immediately overwhelmed by dumb. There was cheering, clapping, spilled drinks, and creatures large and small. Some chick got offended that I did not card her because it was her 21st birthday and wanted to show her ID. I suggested she show me something else instead...she chuckled but her parents did not. Hey I'm not PC! 5 minutes later the girl was getting her picture taken with a bunch of her friends and I can proudly say that somewhere right now there is a glorious picture of 21 year old drunk girl, her aunt, her father, and Yurri. I can only assume the aunt had it framed and displayed it on her nightstand next to her blood pressure meds and dentures. So hot! FYI, I too am on blood pressure meds.... things make me mad, whatever! OK, where was I...oh yes HELL!
Amongst the pub crawl attendies were 3 skanks. I can only assume they were skanks because they were wearing see through pants, backless shirts, covered in tatoos and piercings....and oh yeah were hookers. Seriously, actual bonafide prostitutes. How do I know this you ask??? Well I'll tell you. I noticed the 3 hookers on all fours, which is probably common place for them, but raised suspicion in a bar. It was quite an interesting sight seeing the 3 barely dressed cum rags crawling around the floor with a flashlight. I asked one of them what they were doing and with Jim Beam breath she informed me that the tall fugly ho was laughing at something and her fake front tooth fell out of her mouth and they can't find it. She proceeded to tell me that she was also a hooker and that the 3 of them work together... I was overwhelemed with face cracking brilliant information that I burst into a sudden laughing fit. I was so ammused by this the hooker telling me also burst into ha-ha tears and the 2 of us were making a bigger scene then the whores on the floor. Eventually they gave up the search and when I saw the mouth of the toothless 'tute I fell into another fit of laughing shits right in front of her. OH MY GOD SHE HAD A HOLE IN HER FACE! Ironically, she was so embarrassed she had to leave. Now I could not image the things that have touched that tooth and the things she must have done to lose that tooth, but this embarrassed her. Oh, I pat myself on the back for that! My mission that night was to find that tooth...capture it in a jar.... and display it proudly in the bar. To my surprise the tooth was nowhere to be found, unless the girl was using an old chicken wing or a bottle cap for a tooth. Pure class!!!
Interesting note: The week prior to this the bar back was happily telling me about some cute chick that gave him her number...turns out that the hooker speaking to me was that girl. I told him that night that she was a hooker and he no longer wanted to brag about it. Call me crazy but sounds to me like a sure thing!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Back to the Door....
Hello there loyal readers of The Boom Boom Report. Yurri here again with more bar time madness. After a lengthly lay off Yurri is back working the door at a stupider establishment. In fact I have been doing so for about 4 months now. Every Friday and Saturday night, and this time I'm not sober.
Let's see what acts of heroism Yurri can share with thee.....
First off let me start by explaining that almost every weekend I see the same crowd... and I mean the SAME crowd. This is a townie bar if there ever was one, but unlike the last bar this one is full of crack heads and drug dealers. If they're not selling it, they're smoking it. Seriously, this place is crawling with derelicts and the ass of society....and so I begin...
Friday I show up and I'm not yet through the door when a crazy local yells at Yurri and buys me a shot and a beer.... OH BOY! I do my shot, start enjoying my Guiness, and settle into my seat when an off duty officer approaches me with a shot of Jager....OH MY! I can't refuse the law. And so I drink. 15 mins into the night and I am realizing this is gonna be a long night. I must say the best part this night was when I learned that 2 of the bartenders, whom I hate, got into a fight because he was planning on moving out of her place to some other chick's place he was banging in NY, but the other chick had called his current girlfriend that night and told her. So she told him he had to get out of her place by the morning.... So the dickbag went from banging 2 chicks to none and no place to live in abotu 5 hours. HAHA, that's what you get for wearing a bandana like Rambo and trying to act like you're cooler then me...which you aren't PUTZ!
Saturday night was a little more eventful. It was UFC fight night so I had to charge everybody $5 to get in...YEAH, people hate that! So this monstrocity of a man who I'm going to guess is about 6' billion, and weighs close to 7 tons comes wobbling in with a $5 bill in 1 hand and a giant beer mug in the other hand. Now the large fat man has been there before so I was not surprised by his largeness, but the bringing of his own mug was a bit interesting. He kept holding the mug in front of my face and making a gurgling sound. I really didn't know what he wanted. He proceeded to tell me he went to some beer festival today where he won the grand prize....which was $200, some beer tokens, and this engraved beer mug. I was planning on giving him another prize...a swift kick in the pills if he didn't leave me the fuck alone. So he waddled to the bar where he ordered 2 pitchers...of course. About 2 hours later he was found sleeping on said bar. Yurri was hoping to God he wasn't going to have drag this land whale out, so I just poked him in the head and pointed him towards his beer. Thankfully some smallish girl arrived to drive him home. I think she just lured him out with twinkies and dove out of the way. After the fight some black dude was apparently pushing 2 girls and calling them whores...which for me is completely acceptable, but since they work at the bar I had to go do "stuff". I asked the guy if he could just move away from them, and he agreed and took a half step to his left. Nice one pecker head. I was planning on just leaving the situation alone had he actually moved, but not now. I told him he had to leave and of course he argued. The other doorman reinforced the issue by telling him to get out now. He agreed and said he would leave but didn't move. I yelled, "Look man I'm letting you WALK out." He said back, "You're not letting me do anything. You wanna tap? let's go." Well I didn't bring my tapping shoes, nor did I have my clogs, so throwing him out would have to do... Buh bye black man!
While sweeping up one of the bartenders asked me to crack her back....I did and I apparently broker her rib. I felt so bad, that I left while she was doubled over trying to breath.... suck it up lady!
P.S.
3 people got robbed at gun point in the parking lot on Saturday night.... Zippidity-Doo-Da-DAY!
Let's see what acts of heroism Yurri can share with thee.....
First off let me start by explaining that almost every weekend I see the same crowd... and I mean the SAME crowd. This is a townie bar if there ever was one, but unlike the last bar this one is full of crack heads and drug dealers. If they're not selling it, they're smoking it. Seriously, this place is crawling with derelicts and the ass of society....and so I begin...
Friday I show up and I'm not yet through the door when a crazy local yells at Yurri and buys me a shot and a beer.... OH BOY! I do my shot, start enjoying my Guiness, and settle into my seat when an off duty officer approaches me with a shot of Jager....OH MY! I can't refuse the law. And so I drink. 15 mins into the night and I am realizing this is gonna be a long night. I must say the best part this night was when I learned that 2 of the bartenders, whom I hate, got into a fight because he was planning on moving out of her place to some other chick's place he was banging in NY, but the other chick had called his current girlfriend that night and told her. So she told him he had to get out of her place by the morning.... So the dickbag went from banging 2 chicks to none and no place to live in abotu 5 hours. HAHA, that's what you get for wearing a bandana like Rambo and trying to act like you're cooler then me...which you aren't PUTZ!
Saturday night was a little more eventful. It was UFC fight night so I had to charge everybody $5 to get in...YEAH, people hate that! So this monstrocity of a man who I'm going to guess is about 6' billion, and weighs close to 7 tons comes wobbling in with a $5 bill in 1 hand and a giant beer mug in the other hand. Now the large fat man has been there before so I was not surprised by his largeness, but the bringing of his own mug was a bit interesting. He kept holding the mug in front of my face and making a gurgling sound. I really didn't know what he wanted. He proceeded to tell me he went to some beer festival today where he won the grand prize....which was $200, some beer tokens, and this engraved beer mug. I was planning on giving him another prize...a swift kick in the pills if he didn't leave me the fuck alone. So he waddled to the bar where he ordered 2 pitchers...of course. About 2 hours later he was found sleeping on said bar. Yurri was hoping to God he wasn't going to have drag this land whale out, so I just poked him in the head and pointed him towards his beer. Thankfully some smallish girl arrived to drive him home. I think she just lured him out with twinkies and dove out of the way. After the fight some black dude was apparently pushing 2 girls and calling them whores...which for me is completely acceptable, but since they work at the bar I had to go do "stuff". I asked the guy if he could just move away from them, and he agreed and took a half step to his left. Nice one pecker head. I was planning on just leaving the situation alone had he actually moved, but not now. I told him he had to leave and of course he argued. The other doorman reinforced the issue by telling him to get out now. He agreed and said he would leave but didn't move. I yelled, "Look man I'm letting you WALK out." He said back, "You're not letting me do anything. You wanna tap? let's go." Well I didn't bring my tapping shoes, nor did I have my clogs, so throwing him out would have to do... Buh bye black man!
While sweeping up one of the bartenders asked me to crack her back....I did and I apparently broker her rib. I felt so bad, that I left while she was doubled over trying to breath.... suck it up lady!
P.S.
3 people got robbed at gun point in the parking lot on Saturday night.... Zippidity-Doo-Da-DAY!
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