And the saga continues....which one is that? The one of my complete boredom. I long for the days when I used to have to yell at drunkards, enforce dress codes, toss out dirt bags and break up fights. Now I sit, I watch, I scratch, and I attempt to amuse myself.
Another karaoke night....another headache. There was a rehearsal dinner going on last night so I knew at some point in the night these people would provide some entertainment. They didn't disappoint. Ladies and Gentlemen....meet your singers! Nothing real spectacular occurred, shocking I know, aside from the hammered red neck that insisted on singing every song, even getting involved in other people's songs. But believe you me, you have never been exposed to the most excruciating noise on Earth until you've heard a drunken red neck shout "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"! YEE-HAW motherfucker....yee-haw!
At one point in the evening I was told there may be some trouble concerning a woman in the bathroom. Apparently some lady grabbed a guy's cell phone and took off into the bathroom and would not come out or give it back. At one point even stating, "You'll have to call the cops before I come out." HA! I'll be damned if I can't drag a woman out of the shitter! The gentlemen told me all he wanted to do was get his phone and leave but this lady keeps taking pictures and sending them to her boyfriend. So I went in after "crazy bitch". I busted open the ladies room door and proclaimed, "Whoever is in here with this gentlemen's phone better come out now and give me the phone or I'm dragging everyone one of you out of here and throwing you out!" Boy, that felt good. I immediately heard, "Ok", and the lady came out. After the guy left I asked her what the deal was. Here's the kicker. Apparently this guy was taking pictures up this ladies skirt all night and got caught. The woman grabbed the phone and ran and was attempting to delete the pictures from the guy's phone! AWESOME! I totally love that guy now!!!
Nothing else of note occurred last night, other then the bartender, Missy, telling me she thinks I have tourettes! NICE! I'm really gonna play that up from now on!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
T.G.I.F-You....
It was a very slow and uneventful bar scene last week, capped off nicely with a slow and uneventful Friday night.
The 400 pound Samoan DJ was funny to look at, as was the random 5 girl gymnastic squad that wandered in at 1:00 and actually put on a routine on the dance floor. But the only real enjoyment I got from the evening was when I had to throw a drunk woman out.
She was probably late 40's-early 50's and she showed up shit faced. When she walked in, or I should say staggered in, she stopped in the doorway and just stared. I asked her if she was looking for someone and she answered, "Is this a bad girl bar?" I was a bit confused and responded, "No". So she walked in and sat at the bar. I took this opportunity to alert one of the bartenders that she was shit housed and to keep an eye on her.
Not 20 minutes later I hear my name being called in reference to said drunk woman. Apparently the bartenders had cut her off and wanted me to watch her. It didn't take long for me to realize that she had to go. Sitting at the bar where she was screaming at about 4 people at once about nothing in particular and leaning on the lady next to her, I figured now was as good a time as any to get her out. I could tell the other patrons were becoming irritable at her antics and I figured being proactive would be best.
I tapped her on the shoulder and told her she had to leave. She asked, "Why?" and I answered, "Because you've been cut off and now your pissing everyone off. " She then got up and said, "I need to get my belongings." I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about since she just walked in and I know she didn't have anything with her. I figured I'd amuse her and let her look for these mystery belongings. I was so hoping she'd grab really random things ala Navin Johnson in The Jerk and walk out with them. I followed her toward the pool tables where she stopped and look confused. "What are you looking for Ma'am?". "My shirt," she responded, "I need to find my shirt." "You're wearing your shirt!!" I yelled back at her. She looked around a bit and in a great drunken stooper said, "Oh fuck it!" and walked out. Bravo, old drunken lady, bravo!!
That was very early in the evening and the rest of the night was pure torture wrapped in misery.
The 400 pound Samoan DJ was funny to look at, as was the random 5 girl gymnastic squad that wandered in at 1:00 and actually put on a routine on the dance floor. But the only real enjoyment I got from the evening was when I had to throw a drunk woman out.
She was probably late 40's-early 50's and she showed up shit faced. When she walked in, or I should say staggered in, she stopped in the doorway and just stared. I asked her if she was looking for someone and she answered, "Is this a bad girl bar?" I was a bit confused and responded, "No". So she walked in and sat at the bar. I took this opportunity to alert one of the bartenders that she was shit housed and to keep an eye on her.
Not 20 minutes later I hear my name being called in reference to said drunk woman. Apparently the bartenders had cut her off and wanted me to watch her. It didn't take long for me to realize that she had to go. Sitting at the bar where she was screaming at about 4 people at once about nothing in particular and leaning on the lady next to her, I figured now was as good a time as any to get her out. I could tell the other patrons were becoming irritable at her antics and I figured being proactive would be best.
I tapped her on the shoulder and told her she had to leave. She asked, "Why?" and I answered, "Because you've been cut off and now your pissing everyone off. " She then got up and said, "I need to get my belongings." I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about since she just walked in and I know she didn't have anything with her. I figured I'd amuse her and let her look for these mystery belongings. I was so hoping she'd grab really random things ala Navin Johnson in The Jerk and walk out with them. I followed her toward the pool tables where she stopped and look confused. "What are you looking for Ma'am?". "My shirt," she responded, "I need to find my shirt." "You're wearing your shirt!!" I yelled back at her. She looked around a bit and in a great drunken stooper said, "Oh fuck it!" and walked out. Bravo, old drunken lady, bravo!!
That was very early in the evening and the rest of the night was pure torture wrapped in misery.
Friday, August 19, 2005
The Sounds of Silence....
What a wasted evening. That place blows. I mean I've had more productive nights pissing into the wind. Seriously, 10 people showed up last night....10! What's the point of me being there? I actually felt bad for the DJ. He's a really cool guy, bizarre, but cool. He played for 4 hours and 3 songs were karaoked. I was amused only twice throughout the entire miserable event.
The second singer of the night was a fat sloppy Mexican that looked like he came from a pool party. He provided us with his own bean cricket rendition of James Brown's "I Feel Good". It sounded as if the Godfather of Soul was having a refried bean shit storm into the microphone. I was so proud to have witnessed it.
My only other moment of joy was when I snuck a ticket up to the DJ requesting to sing "Me So Horny" by Mike Hunt. He obviously didn't get the joke and just asked, "Do I even have this song?" I think I was the only one that found this funny.
Yep, that's pretty much it. I was so miserable I began teaching my penis how to speak Spanish. Tonight will suck too....you can count on it.
The second singer of the night was a fat sloppy Mexican that looked like he came from a pool party. He provided us with his own bean cricket rendition of James Brown's "I Feel Good". It sounded as if the Godfather of Soul was having a refried bean shit storm into the microphone. I was so proud to have witnessed it.
My only other moment of joy was when I snuck a ticket up to the DJ requesting to sing "Me So Horny" by Mike Hunt. He obviously didn't get the joke and just asked, "Do I even have this song?" I think I was the only one that found this funny.
Yep, that's pretty much it. I was so miserable I began teaching my penis how to speak Spanish. Tonight will suck too....you can count on it.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
The Door Man Diaries.....
OK, I've decided since my brain cannot come up with anything interesting to write on here and my life is pretty much boring, that I will begin to chronicle the activities that take place at the bar I work. I work as a bouncer at a local bar several nights a week. Sometimes during the week, sometimes on the weekend. It's your pretty standard sports bar and grill but being that I work 9pm-2am as a bouncer I usually come in contact with interesting people, events, altercations, and drunken stupidity.
Last night was Beer Pong Night, as every Tuesday is now-a-days, and it was dead. This place is so hit or miss that it boggles the mind. I can't for the life of me figure out people's drinking patterns. Aside from the regulars, that wouldn't miss a night if the Pope were in town giving seminars on sheep fucking, I never know who or what will be there.
I got there early last night and at 5 mins to 9 was already encountering punks with fake ID's. These guys usually get there way before 9 so as not to be carded at the door and somehow sneak by throughout the night and drink or get their really late after already drinking somewhere else and hope the doorman lets his guard down. Usually I could care less but since the place was empty and it was early, very early, I needed something to do. (Note to minors- when you are trying to pass off as over 21, do not come to a bar in a pack of 8, especially when 4 of them do not happen to have their ID's on them but they swear they're 21, and another kid for some reason is out in Bel Air, MD on a Tuesday night with a bunch of locals but he just happens to be from West Virginia.....uhhhhh, yeah that's not suspicious!) I inform them they will have to leave and much to my displeasure they don't try to argue and leave....DAMN! Now it's 9:05 and I'm bored again!!
Over the next hour people begin showing up for beer pong....and by people I mean 2 guys. Beer pong starts at 10:00....nobody else showed up to play until about 10:15 which is odd since there's usualy a good dozen teams waiting by 9:30.
The next 2 hours I spent amusing myself by watching the professional arm wrestling championship, little league world series of softball and ESPN News highlights while getting random text messages from my brother that included, "It's lick a nipple night" and "I just met my first black guy named Elvis"...these kept me entertained.
Somewhere around 12:00 this odd thing happened....people showed up.....at 12:00....on a Tuesday night. Who are these people and what do they do?? 10 girls and 6 guys come piling in and immediately thrust themselves into the action....hey we got a party now! Or at least something to keep me busy. There are now about 25-30 people in the bar and I realize that I will not be getting cut early and must stay till 2am..... I am not happy!
Odd statement of the night: On his way out of the door some middle aged hillbilly approaches me and proclaims, "I didn't know it was big boned girl night"... Normally this would have made me laugh for obvious reasons but since I was in a bad mood about staying their all night I just stared blankly at him. I also didn't understand it because the majority of the girls there were actually attractive and quite fit....whatever. Anyway, he repeated himself guessing that my non-laughter must have meant I didn't hear him correctly. I again stared blankly at him, to which he followed up with, "But the big girls give good head....." and walked out. I wanted him dead but that made me chuckle!
Roughly around 1:30 or last call, a girl approaches me and asks if I carded the tall blonde in the glasses. I answered, "Yes, why?" She tells me that she knows the girl and she just turned 18. GREAT TIMING!! This girl had been here for 3 hours, she waits till now to tell me this. Not that it mattered anyway because I could have given a rats ass. Heck, if it were up to me the place would be flooded with high schoolers.
Thankfully the night ended and unfortunately without incident. Gee I can hardly wait for Thursday night's Karaoke........
Last night was Beer Pong Night, as every Tuesday is now-a-days, and it was dead. This place is so hit or miss that it boggles the mind. I can't for the life of me figure out people's drinking patterns. Aside from the regulars, that wouldn't miss a night if the Pope were in town giving seminars on sheep fucking, I never know who or what will be there.
I got there early last night and at 5 mins to 9 was already encountering punks with fake ID's. These guys usually get there way before 9 so as not to be carded at the door and somehow sneak by throughout the night and drink or get their really late after already drinking somewhere else and hope the doorman lets his guard down. Usually I could care less but since the place was empty and it was early, very early, I needed something to do. (Note to minors- when you are trying to pass off as over 21, do not come to a bar in a pack of 8, especially when 4 of them do not happen to have their ID's on them but they swear they're 21, and another kid for some reason is out in Bel Air, MD on a Tuesday night with a bunch of locals but he just happens to be from West Virginia.....uhhhhh, yeah that's not suspicious!) I inform them they will have to leave and much to my displeasure they don't try to argue and leave....DAMN! Now it's 9:05 and I'm bored again!!
Over the next hour people begin showing up for beer pong....and by people I mean 2 guys. Beer pong starts at 10:00....nobody else showed up to play until about 10:15 which is odd since there's usualy a good dozen teams waiting by 9:30.
The next 2 hours I spent amusing myself by watching the professional arm wrestling championship, little league world series of softball and ESPN News highlights while getting random text messages from my brother that included, "It's lick a nipple night" and "I just met my first black guy named Elvis"...these kept me entertained.
Somewhere around 12:00 this odd thing happened....people showed up.....at 12:00....on a Tuesday night. Who are these people and what do they do?? 10 girls and 6 guys come piling in and immediately thrust themselves into the action....hey we got a party now! Or at least something to keep me busy. There are now about 25-30 people in the bar and I realize that I will not be getting cut early and must stay till 2am..... I am not happy!
Odd statement of the night: On his way out of the door some middle aged hillbilly approaches me and proclaims, "I didn't know it was big boned girl night"... Normally this would have made me laugh for obvious reasons but since I was in a bad mood about staying their all night I just stared blankly at him. I also didn't understand it because the majority of the girls there were actually attractive and quite fit....whatever. Anyway, he repeated himself guessing that my non-laughter must have meant I didn't hear him correctly. I again stared blankly at him, to which he followed up with, "But the big girls give good head....." and walked out. I wanted him dead but that made me chuckle!
Roughly around 1:30 or last call, a girl approaches me and asks if I carded the tall blonde in the glasses. I answered, "Yes, why?" She tells me that she knows the girl and she just turned 18. GREAT TIMING!! This girl had been here for 3 hours, she waits till now to tell me this. Not that it mattered anyway because I could have given a rats ass. Heck, if it were up to me the place would be flooded with high schoolers.
Thankfully the night ended and unfortunately without incident. Gee I can hardly wait for Thursday night's Karaoke........
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Camping with the Feldmans....
Thursdays Thursdays....I hate pants. Thursdays Thursdays.....I hate pants. Take them off, pull them down.....free your balls. No more pants for me.....I will be so free. I hate pants to wear, I hate pants to hold, I hate pants to wash, I hate pants to walk, they cramp my nuts when I sit, I hate pants to wear...to wear....to WEAR!!!!!!!
No Pants Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lets get these fucking pants off now!
No Pants Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lets get these fucking pants off now!
Friday, August 05, 2005
Screw The Drivel...
OK, I haven't written anything on here in weeks and haven't written anything on here worth reading, well ever... So screw the drivel and just watch the videos I link to this site. The newest ones are toward the bottom and I they're all pretty good. In case you hadn't noticed I almost only link videos that have nudity or some form of sexual content. YEAH!! Enjoy a-holes!!!
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