Debbie Heinz Smells....

Her boobs are huge and she doesn't let people fondle them at work. This angers me greatly! I think someone should drop a barracuda in her diet coke! Chicks with giant melons should welcome people to grope them. I mean what's the point of having the artillery if you're not going to use it. It's like having a nice Porsche and leaving it in the garage and only allow people to look at it through a tiny window. Come on Giant Canned Woman of the World....show those fun bags. Allow all to embrace your milky pleasures!! You know guys love grabbing handfuls of tit, so why make them hold back. You know you like it too!!! Now go jam your bouncies in some guys face and tell him to start squeezing!! Debbie, this means you especially. Do not deprive the men you work with of your luscious mounds of love jelly. If I don't start hearing numerous stories of big breasted woman randomly jamming their knockers onto unexpected guys hands I swear I'm going to fill your vagina with concrete and throw you in a lake!!! I've never actually bludgeoned a person with a rake before but I'm not opposed to starting now. If you want to live to see Flag Day, you'll start exposing your jumblies..... This is your only warning!!! Debbie....oh Debbie Debbie Debbie...... Free your sweater puppets!!!!!!!! Free them damn you!!! And while you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to show the axe wound once in a while either....ya know, the roast beef, the moose knuckle, camel toe, bearded clam, snack bar, your VAG.....ok I think you get the point! I hope I made myself perfectly clear.... now back to sodomizing boy scouts I go!!!

Babe Knows Best....

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink,

I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
I think, "It is better to drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

My Daily Nugget: Questions I Need Answered......

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?

2. Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

16. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

17. Do you ever wonder why you come to my web site in the first place?


.......barracudas nipping at your toes.....

A Champion Is Crowned!!!!!

Just for the record I had Ratzinger beating Duke in my Final Four!!

My Daily Nugget: What's Burning??

So the Cardinals are meeting to decide the new Pope and after each vote they burn the ballots and create either white smoke or black smoke depending on whether or not a new Pope has been found. I wanna know exactly what they are burning to create this white and black smoke. Sure they say it's the ballots and quite possibly they throw something on the fire to make it a certain color, but really it could be anything. How do we know these old freaks aren't tucked away for 3 weeks getting blazed and watching Cheech and Chong movies?? White smoke, black smoke, kine bud, northern lights....it's all the same thing. Smoke the KB if we got a new Pope, burn the schwag if we don't. I think it would be great if after every vote they don't come up with a decision they throw one of the Cardinals on the fire. Red smoke means no Pope yet, and the field just got smaller! Either way I hope they're drunk and I'm putting my money on the Italian guy!!

The Real Circle Jerk.....

So since when is driving your car considered a sport??? Is NASCAR really any different then driving to work? Seriously, I fight traffic, dodge cars, "trade paint", position my vehicle, work up a sweat, get stressed, and plan the best attack every day. It's called commuting....not a sport. If NASCAR is a sport then why isn't commuting? It's pretty much the same thing, except your not going around in circles, on purpose, and you're not all going to the same place. I just don't see the sport in it, or if you want just consider commuting a sport, cause it's no different. Everybody on the free way is racing the guy next to them to get home. Nobody wants to take the long way home. Nobody wants to get home slower. We all try to find the fastest rout, the quickest lane, pass the slow guy, cut off the competition, and get home fastest. We try to minimize our "pit stops"...i.e....fuel, maintenance, pee breaks, food. Often we use the radio, TV, cell phone to find out what's going on around us, or more importantly in front of us in order to ensure us the quickest rout possible.....sounds like a pit crew to me. It's not a sport....it's driving. The guys and girls in NASCAR do nothing differently then I do everyday just to get to and from work, except I don't have a sponsor, a flame retardant jump suit, and a fatty ass paycheck waiting for me when I turn my car off. This crap people call a sport is really pissing me off, but I can accept it if I have to. I mean it is competition. And anytime you compete with someone there is a flavor of sport in it, so I can accept it being labeled a sport if I have to. What I cannot accept, however, is how any human with a brain and a clue can say that these individuals that drive these vehicles can be called athletes. ATHLETES!!!! Come on people....are you that desperate to be welcomed into a group of people you look up to? Are we going to start calling hunters athletes too??? I mean hunting is a sport is it not? Are chess players athletes??? Chess is a sport. Just because what you're doing is technically described as a sport does not automatically reward you with the title of being an athlete. It takes exactly zero athletic ability to drive a car...and drive it in circles mind you. Not driving through towns, free ways, up and down hills, dodging busses, trucks, pedestrians, stopping at lights, merging, signaling....for god sakes folks they drive around in a circle for 3 hours. I can put a baby on a swing for half a day, does that make him athletic?? The car is more athletic then the driver. To be an athlete you must be able to do something athletic, like moving for instance. Sitting down and slightly moving your arms is not athletic. I've seen secretaries move more then NASCAR drivers. Delivery boys, waiters, actors show more athletic ability then drivers do. Are cab drivers, bus drivers, pilots, and train engineers athletes? I mean they do operate a vehicle....that is all that race fans need to consider one an athlete, right? I would say the guy that washes the car and the mechanic are closer to an athlete then the guy that sits behind the wheel and presses the gas pedal. What a giant crock of shit this NASCAR crap is. ESPN should be embarrassed for actually putting these people in categories for athlete of the year and other athletic awards. Hand-eye coordination is a huge part of what makes athletes great, but it's usually accompanied with some kind of movement and athletic ability....not sitting and looking!!! Why are NASCAR drivers athletes and truck drivers not. Truckers spend more hours driving tougher vehicles then NASCAR drivers do. But are they praised for their skill? NO! Actually they're often mocked. PATHETIC!! If a NASCAR driver is an athlete then so is any person that plays playstation....heck play a NASCAR video game and you do the exact same thing a real driver does, without smelling like exhaust and regular old red neck stench. This bullshit is a real slap in the face to every real athlete out there that works his/her ass off every day to stay in top physical and athletic condition. It takes more then the ability to keep a fast car going in a circle to be considered athletic. What's next? ESPN going to show competitive house wives grocery shopping and give them all ESPY awards for buying pickled eggs more efficiently then other athletic house wives??? We gonna praise the talents and abilities of accountants and watch as they spend grueling hours tagging along on a calculator and stopping only to clean their glasses and take a piss???? You fuckers suck. Stop making normal every day tasks into sporting events and turning regular untalented people into world class athletes. Just let those who can....do. And all you wanna-be athletes can either play a real sport or do something else, like clean port-a-johns!

Welp, I can barely wait for my drive home now so I can play NASCAR!!! Boogidy-Boogidy!!!

Good Joke....

A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

The Amazing Yurrie's Weekly Horoscope 04/11/05....

Aries (3/21-4/19):
Be on the alert this week for fags. They will be highly attracted to you and attempt mightily to jam their fingers in your ass. Try walking sideways and sleeping on your back. Also look for your face to fall off somewhere around Thursday, only to reappear on your ass, but seriously will anybody really notice?? On Saturday try putting squirrels down your pants....

Taurus (4/20-5/20):
Taurus' by nature on not very cool so don't expect anything different this week. Look for plenty of teasing, mocking, wedgies and noogies. Don't fight it. Just wear tear away underwear and put yourself in a happy place, which most likely will be a Star Trek Convention or at Space Camp. Good luck this week, you'll need it, DORK!

Gemini (5/21-6/21):
There will be plenty of tea bagging for you this week, men and women!! This is the week when your slutty nature bursts onto the scene. Expect to get laid at least 35 times this week so stretch out and lube up. There's a high probability of catching an STD or 2 so don't be surprised. Also your dog will burst into flames.

Cancer (6/22-7/22):
This should be a very interesting week for you. Not only will you get a promotion at work but you will also get fired. But don't worry you won't be unemployed for long because you will be hit by a train over the weekend. Over 2,000 people per year get killed by passing trains, and this week you folks drew the short straw. Start making arrangements now....it will be easier!

Leo (7/23-8/22):
The weather will be nice this week so go outside, but don't answer your door. I can't tell you why but trust me, don't answer it. Also if you see a red pick-up truck in your neighborhood, hide. And if a man in a cape asks you for a light and the time in Denmark, just pretend you're a yard flamingo and he'll go away....or lick you....either way it's worth it.

Virgo (8/23-9/22):
Short skirts and ear muffs are on the menu for you this week. That's what you will look best in. Be rebellious, show off that camel toe! This week cheetos are your friend and bacon strips make great lovers. Be kind to your mailman and he won't take a dump in your flower bed. And your parents hate you!

Libra (9/23-10/22):
Love is in the air....and if you catch it, it will kill you. Best if you just live in a bubble for about 10 days just to make sure. During down time try putting squirrels down your pants. If you get the urge, paint the rug and bury your spatulas. Trust me it'll come in handy.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21):
Quite possibly you're the coolest people on the planet, so do whatever you want....as long as you don't wear pants! Yep, it's another no pants week so drop it like it's hot. And do something yourself. Give yourself a Brazilian wax and then go neuter the dog.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):
Hey, it's kill a mime week. Go out and find a mime and kill it. Then put squirrels down your pants and kill yourself too. After that you're free to enjoy the week. Please, do not harm the squirrels!!

Capricorn (12/22-1/19):
Your car won't start. Your house will burn down. Your Grandparents will die, or if already dead will come back to life to see how much of a loser you are and die of embarrassment. Your dog will hump a lamp post and get electrocuted. A goat will eat all your hair and then die. But other then that, this will be the best week of your life! Party On Nut Rod!

Aquarius (1/20-2/18):
I doubt anybody will talk to you this week so things are already looking up. If you decide to leave your house, only wear lace. You should go fishing and play croquet, heck try them both at the same time. Anytime you see a garbage truck, yell out, "PANTY RAID"! and then do a cartwheel.

Pisces (2/19-3/20):
This week will be an awkward week for you if you work in the food services field. Try something new like taking a shower or washing your hands even, you fucking slob! Here's an idea....try picking your ass, wiping your sweaty face, and coughing into your hands before making my burrito, you greasy, disgusting Mexican douche bag!!! Here's some insight for you: go to hell!!! For the rest of you, enjoy the week, just don't eat the burritos. Oh yeah and your child's head will fall off Friday night.

And the Dumbass of the Month Award Goes to.....

A Bricklayer's Accident Report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure….


Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lb..

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report. form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain).

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lb.. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."

My Daily Nugget: Working One Out....

Is taking a shit considered exercise?? Cause when you break it down all the essentials are there. You have the flexing and contracting of muscles, sweating, cramping, sometimes dehydration, and often times when you're finished you're sore. If that's the case consider me the Carl Lewis of the can. Just running it up the flag pole and seeing if it waves.....

My Daily Nugget: The Space Between My Ears.....

Maybe the middle east would be more peaceful if we send over some air conditioners...I mean, sheesh its hot over there!

How long before we see "New and Improved Oxygen!"

Diner food is awesome.

We always rave about places that "taste like home cooking"...so why not just stay home?

The greatest con in the world? Pasta. Same food, different shapes.

Second greatest con in the world? Bottled Water. Remember Evian is Naive backwards.

Instant Replay should be appllied to every facet of life. I'd win alot more arguments that way. Right Kel???

I dont care what anyone says, E-Z Cheez and Keebler Club Crackers are the best snack ever when you don't feel like moving for a few hours.

Tell me honestly that you dont find Tim Curry disturbingly attractive in Rocky Horror Picture Show...

One day I want to glue all the pieces of JENGA together...

Time to legalize Mary Jane. Honestly now, the government is missing a big opportunity to collect more tax money that can be used in anti drug programs...would that be Ironic?

Nascar is not a sport. Its a bunch of guys driving around in circles. I did that once after too many beers, no ones giving me a trophy or a check. Then again, my car doesnt have a big viagra logo on it either.

Meatball heroes are sooooo yummy.

Brad Pitt, best actor since Marlon Brando. And alive too....

The next James Bond? My vote is for Ben Affleck. Time for 007 to suck....badly!

Whats the difference between a sunroof and a moonroof?

Women seem to love Vin Diesel. The guy must get more play than a Beatles record. I find it Ironic that his initials are V.D.

Vin Diesel is the posterboy for why nerds with speech impediments shouldn’t be allowed near a gym.

Whatever happened to Gallagher? Nobody smashes a watermelon like him.

I'm growing a mullet on my butt.....wonder how that'll turn out!!!!

Saturday Night Dead......

I really think the greatest skit SNL ever came up with was Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein singing Christmas carols. What a truley random and brilliant concept. As funny as it sounds, the concept alone does it no justice unless you've seen it. John Lovitz (Tonto), Kevin Nealon (Tarzan) and the late great Phil Hatman (Frankenstein) were terrific. We need more great comedy like this. If you missed it, you suck! If you forgot it, you're a douche bag! If you think I'm an asshole, you're probably right! If you want to kick me in the balls, MACARONI!

A Gay State of Mind....

I've often wrestled with the question of which state was the gayest in the country. I mean all of them have their own gay tendencies in some form or another, but there has to be one that stands out from the crowd and truly is a gay state. After much deliberation and thought on this topic I think I finally narrowed it down to the clear winner....

On the surface a few states immediatly jump out as the front runners; California, New York, Florida. But we can eliminate them with several arguments. California seems like an easy answer because of the high gay population in San Francisco. But can a city devoted to queens really be enough to crown CA as the winner? I think not. The state is much too large, possibly if it were Rhode Island or Delaware, but California needs more against it then just San Fran. There's enough testosterone in Hollywood, Muscle Beach, and the porn industry to keep this state from turning fag. True there is gay porn but the majority of the porn is guy on girl or girl on girl and I don't consider girl on girl being gay....more like erotic!!! Plus the Terminator is the governor and he would never let his state hide the pickle. Next we visit New York. I mean there is a huge gay population in Manhattan and they have a place called Queens. Even John Rocker thinks it's gay, but then again he's a dumb redneck so you know he's misinformed! As liberal as NY is, one thing it's not....is GAY. It's the toughest city in the world...outside the Middle East that is. There are far too many mobsters, gangsters and history in that state to turn it gay. Now we come to Florida. Now when we think of Florida we usually picture 2 things; a limp phallic like shaped land form as seen on a map (gay), and a sweaty fruit roller balding down Miami Beach in a thong (damn gay). However as blatantly homo as these are, FL has 2 things working against it; the elderly and Cubans. They represent about 80% of Florida and neither one tolerates gays and would not allow their state to become the land of the Liberace's.

So eliminating these 3 states leaves us with only.....47 or so. Texas??? No way! I think we can all say that's not possible. In fact I would say no state that has a large Mexican population would be considered gay...far too religious! Idaho is shaped like a big hard wiener...but not enough there. Maybe if we were discussing pig fuckers or goat spanking then Idaho, Iowa, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Wyoming would be candidates. Utah? Nope, they like it straight...with lots of people. And maybe they'll kidnap a kid or two, but not gay. West Virginia? In-breeders, not fags. Alaska? To damn cold to be gay. Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama? Wife beaters and wouldn't tolerate flamers.

Now this search has forced me to think outside the box and look deeper. It has brought me to the winner...the sleeper if you will. And upon further review it appears more obvious then ever. The gayest state is easily Oregon. I mean come on folks. That place is full of forests and state parks. That's fag breeding grounds. Gays are always going on camping trips and admiring nature. That place is swarming with fudge packers climbing trees and bull dykes hiking through the mountains. Recall how California was supposed to drop off into the ocean, but never did? That's because the gays in Oregon suck so hard!!! The state is situated close enough to the San Fran homo hot bed but far enough away not to draw suspicion. Well I'm on to all of you hamster hiders! You may not be the sparkling, glam, Rupaul screaming queers that we were looking for, but like they say, it's the quiet ones you need to watch!

My Daily Nugget: Thoughts I think.....

Dark Chocolate. Boy is it yummy.

The Mets. Gosh I hope they do well.

Mr. Met. I think he's on steroids, anyone see the size of his head lately?

Automobile Recalls. Cant they do things right the first time?

The Contender. Hey its just nice to see Sly Stallone again.

Dirt. Good for growing food in, Not so good making spaceships out of.

The Universe. Nothing more than an atom in the makeup of something else. A purple blade of grass, perhaps?

Censorship. Should be done by self, not government.

Hunter S. Thomson. Did Gonzo leave a suicide note?

Siegfried and Roy. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA

E.T. Why did they edit out the guns to be walkie talkies, and change the kid who claims to be a terrorist, into claiming to be a hippy.

Hippies. Are they Terrorists?

Terrorists. Are they Hippies?

Manatee's. Sometimes called the Sea Cow, but I bet the milk isnt as good.

Hot Dogs and Buns. Will they ever even out?

Reality TV. Why watch it, when you can just review Bank America tapes?

Powdered Water. What do you mix it with?

The Jello is melting...

A Message to the Tar Holes....

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........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
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..............\...............\....

Congratulations.....you cost me money!!!!

Opening day.....

Baseball is back and if you're like most people I know, then you really don't care. However between March Madness and Spring Training...this is the best time of year. You can't beat Vermont waxing one of your final four teams in the opening round and Bucknell upsetting perennial power house Kansas mixed in with the optimism and anticipation of being a Pirates, Devil Rays and Brewers fan. Talk about a swift kick in the nuts before you even get kissed! I mean for some sad sacks this must be like having a bee sting you on the balls, or if you're a girl jamming a 9 volt on your taint and squirting out a juicy queef! Fun filled times of heartache!

For me I enjoy pain and suffering, therefore I long for the dreaded misery the Mets tend to spike at me like the devil just scored the game winning touchdown and the pitch forke gets planted squrely in my groin. So bring it on.....the red hots, the peanuts, the potato knish. Show me the cracker jacks, the nachos and the soft pretzels. Bring it on Baseball Gods, cause it could be worse! I could be a Maple Leafs fan!

Speaking of which, those fucks get awfully testy when you pretend to play a game of pool in front of their big screen play off game.....it's just hockey!! Get over it WAYNE!

Also is there any snacky food better then the soft pretzel??? So good!!!

My Daily Nugget: Pope Danny Lynk Price the 1st...NOT!

First it was Mr. YCP, then it was the XFL, now it looks like I won't be the next Pope.... Somebody really wants me to eat the shit sandwhich this lifetime. When am I ever going to not get screwed by the MAN?

Sleep Deprivation.....

1 chicken, 2 chickens, a bear and a foot
some popcorn, some pickles, a puppy and another foot
My gouda free garden, a toenail with chives
The kitty litter backstop has taken too many lives
Gordon has no head, and bagels are cheap
That old man used to drown when the ass got too deep
You walk and you walk and when you stop you stand
Spit out the fish, taste the back of my hand
Promise the pig, juggle the goat, hand feed the weasel
Shuffleboard wedgies......Let's go!