Welp Friday night came and Yurri did not show up. I decided mid week that it'd be stupid for me to stay there. I had been debating leaving for a while, since it was so dead and lame, but needed a good reason. Since they fucked me over and cut my hours, that seems to be a good enough reason for this guy. I always said when I left that place I would leave on good terms. Why not, right? But I really felt slighted by the way things went down last week and how I was disrespected, so I thought what better way to quit, then return the favor. I knew it was their big weekend and they needed several guys there, so I'd just let them assume I'd show up and then they'd be screwed. I gave no notification and since I'm the guy that gets there early, they had nobody working for the first hour of their festivities. I have no idea what went down there and for all I know things couldn't have gone smoother, but I do know they did not call me or inquire as to what my status was, so apparently the joke was on me!!! Whatever, it's clear now to them all. We've officially parted ways, and now I am back to working one job. Ohhhhhh the Jamaicans would be so angry with me!
There's a good chance I start working somewhere else soon, but where and when are unknown. Hopefully wherever it is there will be free door helmet and donkey punches a plenty!!!!
Tally-ho!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Yurri Takes a Stand, Bar Goes to Hell....
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Friday, September 30, 2005
Old School Flashback: The Rookie...
In January I had been working at the bar for about 6 months. For the previous 2 to 3 months we'd been having a lot of trouble with the same dirt bags refusing to obey our dress code. This was at a time when we had to really crack down on what punks were wearing because the owner just really didn't want them in there. This one particular individual was your typical tiny, skinny, wigger boy, wanna-be tough guy with Napoleon Syndrome. You all know the type. He was about 120 pounds with a 350 pound attitude and we all hated him. He would always wear long shirts, that hung down past his knees, and a big ghetto necklace. We would tell him at the door to tuck in his shirt and chain and 5 minutes later he would untuck the shirt and take his chain out. Now if it's one thing we hate it's when we tell a guy to do something and he totally blows us off and does the opposite. Well, we got tired of telling him over and over again to fix himself while he gave us big time attitude and back talk, so we started throwing him out. 3 weeks in a row we had a confrontation with him and ended up getting into a shouting match which concluded in us either throwing him out or chasing him out. Finally I had enough. He came in and did his usual routine and before he could even smart mouth me I grabbed him, picked him up and drilled him into a wall. Then I opened the doors with his head and threw him in the parking lot and told him to never come back. He yelled back some lame threat and I took one step at him and he ran away like a girl...very funny sight!
Well now the fireworks start. His girlfriend, who was a very hot blonde, approached me 2 minutes later when she heard what happened. She got in my face, literally like 3 inches from my face, while I was sitting by the door. She began yelling, "Who the hell are you to throw my boyfriend out? We've been coming to this bar for 3 years and now you come along and think you can make the rules. Who the fuck are you?" I replied calmly, "I'm the guy that's making the rules." "You're nothing but a rookie. You can't keep my boyfriend from coming in here like you own the place", she said. "Yes I can, and I just did." She yelled back, "I want a fucking reason why. Tell me a reason why. Come on Rookie, give me a reason. You're just a fucking Rookie. Tell me why." I started laughing and replied, "I don't have to tell you a fucking thing you skank. I don't answer to you. So get out of my face you dumb bitch." She didn't take that too well and reached back to slap me but instead another bouncer grabbed her and she hit him instead. He picked her up and tossed her outside as well and the two have never been back again. Now keep in mind the entire time this scene played out, everyone was watching and standing around me. So while I thought a chick screaming at me was funny, my fellow bouncers and bartenders were captivated by her Rookie nickname for me. And instead of coming to my defense or praising me for the way I handled it, they just took the opportunity to brand me with a new nickname that followed me around for the next 4 months. "The Rookie" was born....dumb whore!
Well now the fireworks start. His girlfriend, who was a very hot blonde, approached me 2 minutes later when she heard what happened. She got in my face, literally like 3 inches from my face, while I was sitting by the door. She began yelling, "Who the hell are you to throw my boyfriend out? We've been coming to this bar for 3 years and now you come along and think you can make the rules. Who the fuck are you?" I replied calmly, "I'm the guy that's making the rules." "You're nothing but a rookie. You can't keep my boyfriend from coming in here like you own the place", she said. "Yes I can, and I just did." She yelled back, "I want a fucking reason why. Tell me a reason why. Come on Rookie, give me a reason. You're just a fucking Rookie. Tell me why." I started laughing and replied, "I don't have to tell you a fucking thing you skank. I don't answer to you. So get out of my face you dumb bitch." She didn't take that too well and reached back to slap me but instead another bouncer grabbed her and she hit him instead. He picked her up and tossed her outside as well and the two have never been back again. Now keep in mind the entire time this scene played out, everyone was watching and standing around me. So while I thought a chick screaming at me was funny, my fellow bouncers and bartenders were captivated by her Rookie nickname for me. And instead of coming to my defense or praising me for the way I handled it, they just took the opportunity to brand me with a new nickname that followed me around for the next 4 months. "The Rookie" was born....dumb whore!
Sometimes the Deaf are the Envied....
Oh the sounds of mountain goats butt fucking at midnight would have been a welcomed noise compared to what I had to endure last night. Was that singing or were we just broadcasting diarrhea queefs through feedback for 5 hours??? I couldn't tell and none of the butter knives at arms length were sharp enough to break the skin.
The highlight of the night was a tall spastic homo dressed in a 1970's red and pink butterfly collar 3 piece suit. This guy was a show all to himself and I told the owner to just hire him for a night and sit back. This guy took the stage and I almost shit a barracuda I was laughing so hard. Not only did he sing the gayest songs possible but he bumped, grinded and convulsed in a fruity style all his own. He looked like 40 pounds of shit in a zip lock bag. And I loved every second of him! The best part was he showed up by himself and worked the crowd like he were running for mayor.....better be a mayor in Oregon, Flame Boy!!!
Random event of the night: We have a new Hispanic waitress, who's actually pretty cute. She must have finished up her shift and changed because out of nowhere she came running through the backdoors, like she were the Ultimate Warrior or some shit, dressed in a little skimpy outfit. Ran up onto the stage and sang some provocative Spanish number while she did some crazy salsa dance and touched herself. The place went silent and all eyes were on this little chimichanga. I was so confused. Not only did I not know who she was, where she came from, or what she was saying, but neither did anybody else in the place. She finished up, grabbed a gym bag and ran out the front door waiving to people. I still have no clue what to make of that! My guess is she's a drug smuggler and had to get across the border before the bags ruptured in her anal cavity and she had just enough time to perform one jaw dropping Shakira act to throw the locals off her trail before getting back to the mule work. Sounds reasonable to me, but then again I'm a fucking idiot!
Next weekend....Mechanical Bull Riding returns!!!! Stay tuned....
The highlight of the night was a tall spastic homo dressed in a 1970's red and pink butterfly collar 3 piece suit. This guy was a show all to himself and I told the owner to just hire him for a night and sit back. This guy took the stage and I almost shit a barracuda I was laughing so hard. Not only did he sing the gayest songs possible but he bumped, grinded and convulsed in a fruity style all his own. He looked like 40 pounds of shit in a zip lock bag. And I loved every second of him! The best part was he showed up by himself and worked the crowd like he were running for mayor.....better be a mayor in Oregon, Flame Boy!!!
Random event of the night: We have a new Hispanic waitress, who's actually pretty cute. She must have finished up her shift and changed because out of nowhere she came running through the backdoors, like she were the Ultimate Warrior or some shit, dressed in a little skimpy outfit. Ran up onto the stage and sang some provocative Spanish number while she did some crazy salsa dance and touched herself. The place went silent and all eyes were on this little chimichanga. I was so confused. Not only did I not know who she was, where she came from, or what she was saying, but neither did anybody else in the place. She finished up, grabbed a gym bag and ran out the front door waiving to people. I still have no clue what to make of that! My guess is she's a drug smuggler and had to get across the border before the bags ruptured in her anal cavity and she had just enough time to perform one jaw dropping Shakira act to throw the locals off her trail before getting back to the mule work. Sounds reasonable to me, but then again I'm a fucking idiot!
Next weekend....Mechanical Bull Riding returns!!!! Stay tuned....
Monday, September 26, 2005
Old School Flashback: The Repeat Offender...
Since my bar is nowhere near as exciting as it used to be, I will occasionally post an old story from before I had this retarded site. I'll start with this one:
We get a lot of Army guys/girls in our bar since the Aberdeen Proving Grounds are not too far away and our bar used to have the reputation as a dirt bag bar. So they still come in and usually in large packs. Don't get me wrong these guys/girls aren't dirt bags, well not all of them, but they are usually a handful and always hammered. One night a group of about 8 guys were in the bar for a long time. They were hanging out at a table just drinking and having a good time, and generally going unnoticed. One of the guys had become extremely drunk and started hitting on a few girls and asking them to dance incessantly. Sounded like a resonable thing to do to me, but he must have been overly aggressive and annoying to one girl and her boyfriend had asked one of the bouncers, C, if we could tell him to knock it off. C went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and the guy spun around and shoved him. Now this was at a time when the bar was always packed, wall to wall, with all kinds of degenerates. So we had the mentality of "if you touch me I'm kicking your ass". So C tackled him and began throwing punches at him. The other 2 guys and myself pulled them apart and threw the guy outside. The other Army guys were very cooperative, we thought, and apologized and decided to put him in the truck until they left. We all agreed this was a good idea and went back to work. C had been working the door all night but walked away for a while to calm down so I took over at the door. I never got a good look at the guy we threw out so I couldn't identify him if I wanted to. Now I'm not sure what was going on through this guy's head but instead of just hanging out in the truck he changed his shirt, put on a hooded sweatshirt and took off his glasses and came back in. Of course now that I'm at the door and didn't recognize him, I let him right back in the bar! He was in for about 2 minutes laughing about it with his buddies when the other bouncers caught wind to it and we ended up throwing them all out in a near brawl that spilled into the parking lot. As we threw the guy out the second time C got some revenge and jammed his thumb in his eye while myself and another guy opened the doors with his face. His friends were not pleased with this but did nothing about it. Now I know I'm stupid but I refuse to believe that this was my fault. It could have happened to anyone. The other guys just gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Yurrie, you just threw the guy out and then checked his ID and let him back in. How do you not recognize him?" My only response was, "Hey, he took his glasses off. Not my fault!" They actually came back the next week and were much more behaved. Oh those crazy Jar Heads!!!!
We get a lot of Army guys/girls in our bar since the Aberdeen Proving Grounds are not too far away and our bar used to have the reputation as a dirt bag bar. So they still come in and usually in large packs. Don't get me wrong these guys/girls aren't dirt bags, well not all of them, but they are usually a handful and always hammered. One night a group of about 8 guys were in the bar for a long time. They were hanging out at a table just drinking and having a good time, and generally going unnoticed. One of the guys had become extremely drunk and started hitting on a few girls and asking them to dance incessantly. Sounded like a resonable thing to do to me, but he must have been overly aggressive and annoying to one girl and her boyfriend had asked one of the bouncers, C, if we could tell him to knock it off. C went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and the guy spun around and shoved him. Now this was at a time when the bar was always packed, wall to wall, with all kinds of degenerates. So we had the mentality of "if you touch me I'm kicking your ass". So C tackled him and began throwing punches at him. The other 2 guys and myself pulled them apart and threw the guy outside. The other Army guys were very cooperative, we thought, and apologized and decided to put him in the truck until they left. We all agreed this was a good idea and went back to work. C had been working the door all night but walked away for a while to calm down so I took over at the door. I never got a good look at the guy we threw out so I couldn't identify him if I wanted to. Now I'm not sure what was going on through this guy's head but instead of just hanging out in the truck he changed his shirt, put on a hooded sweatshirt and took off his glasses and came back in. Of course now that I'm at the door and didn't recognize him, I let him right back in the bar! He was in for about 2 minutes laughing about it with his buddies when the other bouncers caught wind to it and we ended up throwing them all out in a near brawl that spilled into the parking lot. As we threw the guy out the second time C got some revenge and jammed his thumb in his eye while myself and another guy opened the doors with his face. His friends were not pleased with this but did nothing about it. Now I know I'm stupid but I refuse to believe that this was my fault. It could have happened to anyone. The other guys just gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Yurrie, you just threw the guy out and then checked his ID and let him back in. How do you not recognize him?" My only response was, "Hey, he took his glasses off. Not my fault!" They actually came back the next week and were much more behaved. Oh those crazy Jar Heads!!!!
Friday, September 23, 2005
Old Man, Round 2....
Thursday night is apparently drink your face off night now. The place seemed fairly quiet and empty when I arrived last night, but somewhere between the lounge singer karaoke guy and the leaky roof, people showed up and got ripped. We now have a new karaoke guy who honestly looks and sounds like a sleazy lounge singer/used car salesman. I love him. He has a great 1983 porn star moustache.
So as the music was playing and people were singing, a few scragglers began to dance. Old drunken dancing that is. I noticed a nasty woman dancing by herself and repeatedly lifting up her shirt. This was anything but an appealing sight. She would walk back and forth from the dance floor to the bar where an old bald man sat and the whole time acting like a $2 crack whore. As I'm standing around watching ESPN News highlights and doing my best to ignore the debacle, I heard a loud bang. As I looked down to the end of the bar I saw the old bald man laying on the ground and his stool flipped over. I immediately began to chuckle. The guy looked stunned. I approached him, picked up his stool and threw out my hand to help him up. As he fumbled with his money clip and credit cards I realized just how fucking bombed this guy was. He couldn't get up. I literally had to lift him up, then hold him, and prop a chair under his fat wrinkly ass. I checked with the bar tender to make sure the two of them were cut off and paid their tab. She said yes and for me to get them out. SWEET! This is where the fun begins! I leaned into the drunken old farts and informed them they had to leave. They both ignored me. Yeah, I got clout!!! I leaned in further and shouted, "Folks, you got to go. The bartender cut you off and you're way too fucking drunk to be in here." The woman responded, "What? Why?" "Look you got to go. You are too drunk." I stood behind them for a minute waiting to see if they were going to meander out, but still nothing. I again leaned in and repeated a third time. The woman turned to me and said, "Do I have to go too?" "Yes, you freak! You have to go. NOW!" I waited and nothing. Now I was pissed. I grabbed the guy by the shoulder and spun him around and yelled at the two of them. "YOU CAN EITHER WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE ADULTS OR I WILL DRAG YOU OUT. EITHER WAY YOU ARE LEAVING NOW!" At this the woman bolted out but the man seemed unfazed. I figured he was going to protest and protest mightily. I grabbed him again and said, "Sir get out, time to leave." He acted like he had no idea what I was saying and was part deaf. I helped him away from the bar and nudged him towards the door. He got pissy and grabbed a chair to hold himself. "That's it", I said and grabbed him by the pits and pushed him across the bar and out both doors. The other drunkards cheered me on. Yippy, I have fans! I think he got the point when he was outside since he didn't fight back. He took 2 steps into the parking lot, looked around, and fell flat on his face. Literally onto his face. I think his giant beer belly may have cushioned the fall but he hit hard. By the time I walked back in the entire bar was pointing and laughing at him. 2 people went out to see if he was OK. I could have cared less. The funny part is that he tried coming back in 10 minutes later and I had to throw him out a second time. And then talk him out of driving before throwing him in a cab. That was a first! What is it with old guys lately?
There were several other rowdy folks last night too, but nobody else had to get tossed. One gentleman thought it would be funny to stand on the table while dancing, and after I told him to get down, he jumped back up when I turned around. He nearly felt the wrath of Yurrie The Fucking Old Man Bouncer, but instead he apologized and chilled out. DAMN! I think I'm going to go work at the local moose lodge next. Angry drunken vets are the best!
One other point of note. A retarded, or slow, middle aged man was on the scene for the karaoke festivities. He had 2 brilliant renditions of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", and some crappy Backstreet Boys song that actually sounded better when he garbled his way through it. I love retarded karaoke night. I'm going to suggest that as a theme night. Then we can get them all drunk and watch the fun. Why not they don't have to drive. They can just pile into the short bus, or tart cart as it's called. And....I'm spent!
So as the music was playing and people were singing, a few scragglers began to dance. Old drunken dancing that is. I noticed a nasty woman dancing by herself and repeatedly lifting up her shirt. This was anything but an appealing sight. She would walk back and forth from the dance floor to the bar where an old bald man sat and the whole time acting like a $2 crack whore. As I'm standing around watching ESPN News highlights and doing my best to ignore the debacle, I heard a loud bang. As I looked down to the end of the bar I saw the old bald man laying on the ground and his stool flipped over. I immediately began to chuckle. The guy looked stunned. I approached him, picked up his stool and threw out my hand to help him up. As he fumbled with his money clip and credit cards I realized just how fucking bombed this guy was. He couldn't get up. I literally had to lift him up, then hold him, and prop a chair under his fat wrinkly ass. I checked with the bar tender to make sure the two of them were cut off and paid their tab. She said yes and for me to get them out. SWEET! This is where the fun begins! I leaned into the drunken old farts and informed them they had to leave. They both ignored me. Yeah, I got clout!!! I leaned in further and shouted, "Folks, you got to go. The bartender cut you off and you're way too fucking drunk to be in here." The woman responded, "What? Why?" "Look you got to go. You are too drunk." I stood behind them for a minute waiting to see if they were going to meander out, but still nothing. I again leaned in and repeated a third time. The woman turned to me and said, "Do I have to go too?" "Yes, you freak! You have to go. NOW!" I waited and nothing. Now I was pissed. I grabbed the guy by the shoulder and spun him around and yelled at the two of them. "YOU CAN EITHER WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE ADULTS OR I WILL DRAG YOU OUT. EITHER WAY YOU ARE LEAVING NOW!" At this the woman bolted out but the man seemed unfazed. I figured he was going to protest and protest mightily. I grabbed him again and said, "Sir get out, time to leave." He acted like he had no idea what I was saying and was part deaf. I helped him away from the bar and nudged him towards the door. He got pissy and grabbed a chair to hold himself. "That's it", I said and grabbed him by the pits and pushed him across the bar and out both doors. The other drunkards cheered me on. Yippy, I have fans! I think he got the point when he was outside since he didn't fight back. He took 2 steps into the parking lot, looked around, and fell flat on his face. Literally onto his face. I think his giant beer belly may have cushioned the fall but he hit hard. By the time I walked back in the entire bar was pointing and laughing at him. 2 people went out to see if he was OK. I could have cared less. The funny part is that he tried coming back in 10 minutes later and I had to throw him out a second time. And then talk him out of driving before throwing him in a cab. That was a first! What is it with old guys lately?
There were several other rowdy folks last night too, but nobody else had to get tossed. One gentleman thought it would be funny to stand on the table while dancing, and after I told him to get down, he jumped back up when I turned around. He nearly felt the wrath of Yurrie The Fucking Old Man Bouncer, but instead he apologized and chilled out. DAMN! I think I'm going to go work at the local moose lodge next. Angry drunken vets are the best!
One other point of note. A retarded, or slow, middle aged man was on the scene for the karaoke festivities. He had 2 brilliant renditions of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", and some crappy Backstreet Boys song that actually sounded better when he garbled his way through it. I love retarded karaoke night. I'm going to suggest that as a theme night. Then we can get them all drunk and watch the fun. Why not they don't have to drive. They can just pile into the short bus, or tart cart as it's called. And....I'm spent!
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Old Man vs Fat Fuck....
So Mr. The Fucking Giant was challenged to a mano-a-mano full on bar fight Sunday night by a man I can only describe as someone I'd expect to see teaching a high school physics class. During the Colts-Ravens Sunday night game I heard the bartender call my name and noticed him pointing at 2 gentlemen squaring off at the bar. One of the guys, who was sitting down, is a regular and a pretty big guy, nice man too. The other was the aforementioned grey haired daddy-o. I get between them and forearm the old man in the chest and back him away. The other guy says calmly, "Yurrie, get this guy out of here before I kick his ass." You got it fella and I point towards the door and tell Grandpa to get out. He starts walking and half way there turns back and waves for the other guy to meet him outside. I now become angry because I always intend to be nice at first, and it pisses me off when people don't do what I tell them when I can clearly beat the living shit of them. (That's what Patrick Swayze did in Road House) So I grab him, push him towards the door, and said, "Get the fuck out". He spins around and responds, "You can't tell me what to do." "Funny", I said, "I just did. Now get the fuck out." And I pushed him through the first set of doors. Now, Old Man River gets angry and tells me he's going to kick my ass. I tell him ok then take a swing. He declines requesting that I take a swing. (Now I've been to court before for situations like this and I know that unless this guy makes some kind of threatening move towards me I really can't haul off and lay him out....plus he's hammered and like 65) Standing in between 2 sets of doors he sets himself and tells me I'm just a fat fuck and he'll kick my ass and motions for me to "bring it". Now I know I'm no super model and could certainly benefit from losing a few pounds but in no way would I call myself a fat fuck. I didn't even look that fat that night. So I respond, "No, that's not going to happen, now get the fuck out of my bar", and with that I launched him through the second set of doors out onto the sidewalk and walk back inside. I see him get back up and put his dukes up like the Notre Dame Fighting Irish logo and motion for me to come outside. The guy sure was persistent. I waived back to him and blew him a kiss for good measure before he gave up and staggered to his car. I kept thinking how bad it would have looked if I drilled the guy. I mean I'm no Mike Tyson but I know if I would have hit the guy, especially in his state, he would have been down and out in between the doors, and that would have caused me more pain then pleasure.
Now that incident is coming off the heels of Saturday night's incident. Some kid, who I totally hate and would love to beat the snot out of, was being a dick. He was the last guy in the place and me, being the nice guy that I am, was telling him he had to finish his drink and leave or I was taking it from him. He made some comment about how it would not be good for me. I didn't really understand it and I asked him if he wanted to try and make it not good for me. He ended up walking out but as he left he stuck his head back in the door and screamed that I suck dick before running away. This didn't even make me mad. The guy comes in all the time so I know I'll easily see him this week and I will approach him about it. I'm still considering how much of a scene I want to make out of it....stay tuned....
One other point of note. The stupid home schooled girl, I wrote about earlier, thought on Friday night that it would be a good idea to drink all the alcohol in the bar, and then in an act of kindness, share that alcohol with the floor and walls of the ladies room. Now I had just found out that not only was she dumb and home schooled but she was also a total whore. This might sound like the makings of a wonderful girl had she not look like a guy and dress like a homeless crack head. So therefore I took great joy in seeing her get escorted outside and fall down in the parking lot! HA! That's what you get for not laughing at my jokes WHORE!
Now that incident is coming off the heels of Saturday night's incident. Some kid, who I totally hate and would love to beat the snot out of, was being a dick. He was the last guy in the place and me, being the nice guy that I am, was telling him he had to finish his drink and leave or I was taking it from him. He made some comment about how it would not be good for me. I didn't really understand it and I asked him if he wanted to try and make it not good for me. He ended up walking out but as he left he stuck his head back in the door and screamed that I suck dick before running away. This didn't even make me mad. The guy comes in all the time so I know I'll easily see him this week and I will approach him about it. I'm still considering how much of a scene I want to make out of it....stay tuned....
One other point of note. The stupid home schooled girl, I wrote about earlier, thought on Friday night that it would be a good idea to drink all the alcohol in the bar, and then in an act of kindness, share that alcohol with the floor and walls of the ladies room. Now I had just found out that not only was she dumb and home schooled but she was also a total whore. This might sound like the makings of a wonderful girl had she not look like a guy and dress like a homeless crack head. So therefore I took great joy in seeing her get escorted outside and fall down in the parking lot! HA! That's what you get for not laughing at my jokes WHORE!
Friday, September 09, 2005
Freaks and Alcohol Make For Interesting Conversations...
So I get to the bar and notice this gigantic big screen TV in the corner where the DJ usually is. Usually I'm not a big fan of projection screen TVs because the picture sucks, but this thing was crystal clear. The place was pretty full for the Raiders/Patriots game and I was happy cause at least I'd have something to watch while I worked. As I'm starring bright eyed at this marvelous TV a guy approaches me and begins to speak in a highly inebriated voice, "If you can find me....hic-up...a butter luking screen den dat one...hic-up...I will kess yer ass!"...... Hmmmmm, OK. He continues, "I jus tole da bartenner dat we shud...hic-up....git strippers here an put some porn on dat screen.....hic-up!" And then topped it off with, "Git Er Dun!" Uhhhhh....I was stunned and awkwardly replied as I walked away, "Um, that would be creepy!" Some of the people there are so cliché and stereo typical red necks that it scares me.
Nothing good to report from last night, aside from my $30 keno winnings...Woo-Hoo!!! Can a Nigger get a table dance?
Nothing good to report from last night, aside from my $30 keno winnings...Woo-Hoo!!! Can a Nigger get a table dance?
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Survivor Pool Lock of the Week: Week 1
Week 1 has several interesting choices: Pittsburgh over Tennessee, Minnesota over Tampa, Washington over Chicago, St. Louis over San Fran....these all may be good picks. But my lock of the week is Carolina at home vs New Orleans. The Panthers are very good on offense and have the best defensive line in the game, playing at home against a team who's heads and hearts won't be in it. True the Saints will be emotional, but it is very difficult to play on just emotion and no doubt the team has lacked preparation and game scheming due to the horrifying events that have taken place in NOLA. Add to this that New Orleans has the worst opening day record in football and that spells.....Carolina in week 1!!
EDITOR'S NOTE:
The Panthers lost this game and I suck at gambling! Let us all learn something from this!!!
EDITOR'S NOTE:
The Panthers lost this game and I suck at gambling! Let us all learn something from this!!!
Gay Times on Hump Night, Fantastic....
OK, It's from my dog, alright? The black eye I have right now, is from my dog. So everybody can stop asking me how it happened and who kicked my ass. Trust me I'd much rather say some guy beat the tar out of me then say my puppy beat me up! Excited jumping dog's head meets unsuspecting owners face while leaning over....and for those of you who are counting, that's the second black eye she's given me this year!!
So I guess you know what the bulk of the bar conversation was about last night. And I thought Tuesdays and Thursdays sucked donkey dick!!! Wednesday's are even worse. Some lame-ass hippie one man band was the entertainment and I swear if he wasn't trying to kill me with boredom he was trying to turn me gay with his song selection. At one point I momentarily contemplated giving the bar back a reach around....EWWWWW.
Nothing good happened. I told some skateboarder punk he had to pull his pants up since they were hanging below his ass and I was sick of seeing his fruity boxers. I know it agitated him and he verified that an hour later when he and his drunken idiot friends toasted a shot to the guy in the corner making sure everyone's pants were up! I thought about getting pissed at that, but it was actually really funny. A few minutes later Missy, the bartender, told me the fat guy at the bar has the same name as her gynecologist. I didn't know what to do with that information and since she could tell I was uncomfortable with this news, she took the liberty to explain to me the process of a pap smear.....OK, THAT'S IT...I'm going back to my corner!
The best part of the night was at the very end when Missy made some comment about, "lights on or lights off" and the drunken lonely Chinese man sitting behind her leaped to his feet and screamed, "Was that some vague 'wax on, wax off' reference?" "I try so hard to find a bar where I can hang out and people do not make fun of yellow people but NOOOOOOOO, you guys are just the same as everyone else. Everyone hates yellow people!" I was laughing so hard at this but managed to respond, "Hey, I love the Simpsons!" Which seemed to get a good reaction out of him. Oh god I love Orientals!!!
So I guess you know what the bulk of the bar conversation was about last night. And I thought Tuesdays and Thursdays sucked donkey dick!!! Wednesday's are even worse. Some lame-ass hippie one man band was the entertainment and I swear if he wasn't trying to kill me with boredom he was trying to turn me gay with his song selection. At one point I momentarily contemplated giving the bar back a reach around....EWWWWW.
Nothing good happened. I told some skateboarder punk he had to pull his pants up since they were hanging below his ass and I was sick of seeing his fruity boxers. I know it agitated him and he verified that an hour later when he and his drunken idiot friends toasted a shot to the guy in the corner making sure everyone's pants were up! I thought about getting pissed at that, but it was actually really funny. A few minutes later Missy, the bartender, told me the fat guy at the bar has the same name as her gynecologist. I didn't know what to do with that information and since she could tell I was uncomfortable with this news, she took the liberty to explain to me the process of a pap smear.....OK, THAT'S IT...I'm going back to my corner!
The best part of the night was at the very end when Missy made some comment about, "lights on or lights off" and the drunken lonely Chinese man sitting behind her leaped to his feet and screamed, "Was that some vague 'wax on, wax off' reference?" "I try so hard to find a bar where I can hang out and people do not make fun of yellow people but NOOOOOOOO, you guys are just the same as everyone else. Everyone hates yellow people!" I was laughing so hard at this but managed to respond, "Hey, I love the Simpsons!" Which seemed to get a good reaction out of him. Oh god I love Orientals!!!
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Hey, This Brown Trout is GOOD......
Question about New Orleans..... Now that the city is totally flooded and flooded with raw sewage and dead things that go stink in the night. Why exactly are they pumping this crap back into Lake Pontchartrain and the Mississippi River??? I understand they want to empty the city so they can assess the damage and find the dead ASAP....but seriously isn't this just moving the problem from one spot to another? Now they're going to have a giant lake full of shit to the north of the city. Great! Is this really any less hazardous, well maybe a little less, but how exactly are they going to clean this lake? The pipe on this thing is about 3 feet wide. They're going to be pumping dead babies and cats into the lake. Mmmmmmmmmm...smells like creole to me. And people say Jersey stinks.
I hate hearing the blame game after a tragedy or natural disaster. Everybody's smarter in hind sight. I'm not exactly supporting the President or knocking him here but shouldn't the people of New Orleans bare the brunt of the responsibility here. I mean it's not like the state is located outside an area of risk. Hurricanes flow through there all the time. I'd say outside of Florida and North Carolina, the Gulf Coast is third on list of likely destinations of a hurricane. So why exactly was a major city, surrounded by water on all sides, only equipped to handle a category 3 hurricane? That seems like some pretty lame ass preparations for hundreds of thousands of people. Did they just say, "Whelp, this is good enough. We doubt anything greater then a category 3 will ever come close to New Orleans."??? The pumps, levees and even the mind set of these people are so lack luster...I mean I know it's called the Big Easy, but really take some damn responsibility. This is mainly directed at the mayor and governor who seem to enjoy tossing blame on others for not helping enough or quickly enough rather then saying, "Damn, we just didn't prepare enough for this!"
Regardless, an entire city has been destroyed, probably tens of thousands have died, and when all is said and done, you will still have one giant shit filled lake to the north of the city to deal with! Hey...SHOW YOUR TITS!
I hate hearing the blame game after a tragedy or natural disaster. Everybody's smarter in hind sight. I'm not exactly supporting the President or knocking him here but shouldn't the people of New Orleans bare the brunt of the responsibility here. I mean it's not like the state is located outside an area of risk. Hurricanes flow through there all the time. I'd say outside of Florida and North Carolina, the Gulf Coast is third on list of likely destinations of a hurricane. So why exactly was a major city, surrounded by water on all sides, only equipped to handle a category 3 hurricane? That seems like some pretty lame ass preparations for hundreds of thousands of people. Did they just say, "Whelp, this is good enough. We doubt anything greater then a category 3 will ever come close to New Orleans."??? The pumps, levees and even the mind set of these people are so lack luster...I mean I know it's called the Big Easy, but really take some damn responsibility. This is mainly directed at the mayor and governor who seem to enjoy tossing blame on others for not helping enough or quickly enough rather then saying, "Damn, we just didn't prepare enough for this!"
Regardless, an entire city has been destroyed, probably tens of thousands have died, and when all is said and done, you will still have one giant shit filled lake to the north of the city to deal with! Hey...SHOW YOUR TITS!
Friday, September 02, 2005
Shut Up And Dig....
I originally posted this on a friend's website and thought it was blog worthy...whatever, is anything I write on here really blogworthy?? It was in response to his comments on the sky rocketing gas prices and his thoughts on how we should stop the hysterics and why we should seek drilling in Alaska....my retort:
"I totally agree with your point about Alaska. What do I care about conserving the wildlife in Alaska for when I'm paying nearly $4.00 a gallon for gas? At these prices I will never get to see first hand the marvelous nature way north that we have so desperately preserved since I'm fucking broke!!!
God forbid I can afford to put gas in my car so I can go to work and make a living and pay my bills, and support my family, but at least we have preserved mother nature...right? FUCK YOU, you god damned tree huggers!!! Who gives a rat's ass about a nice tree or a beautiful landscape in the middle of bumblefuck around the arctic circle when anything and everything that's important in the world is south of Canada and the fucking camel fucking towel heads are ass raping us for importing their sand cricket oil. Eat me you fucking Liberal dip shits! It's a fucking a tree...there are billions and billions of them and guess what...we can grow more. What fucking purpose does a penguin serve anyway? Are they even part of the god damned food chain?? Has anybody ever eaten a penguin? Do penguins help the environment? They can't even fly!!! Will the ecosystems of the world shut down with the lack of Chilly Fucking Willy?? We seem to be doing just fine without the Dodo bird! Hey if it means I can fill my tank and spend less then $20 doing it once again, then cut the trees, relocate the fat birds, and let's start digging for some Alaskan tea...OIL THAT IS!!!!"
"I totally agree with your point about Alaska. What do I care about conserving the wildlife in Alaska for when I'm paying nearly $4.00 a gallon for gas? At these prices I will never get to see first hand the marvelous nature way north that we have so desperately preserved since I'm fucking broke!!!
God forbid I can afford to put gas in my car so I can go to work and make a living and pay my bills, and support my family, but at least we have preserved mother nature...right? FUCK YOU, you god damned tree huggers!!! Who gives a rat's ass about a nice tree or a beautiful landscape in the middle of bumblefuck around the arctic circle when anything and everything that's important in the world is south of Canada and the fucking camel fucking towel heads are ass raping us for importing their sand cricket oil. Eat me you fucking Liberal dip shits! It's a fucking a tree...there are billions and billions of them and guess what...we can grow more. What fucking purpose does a penguin serve anyway? Are they even part of the god damned food chain?? Has anybody ever eaten a penguin? Do penguins help the environment? They can't even fly!!! Will the ecosystems of the world shut down with the lack of Chilly Fucking Willy?? We seem to be doing just fine without the Dodo bird! Hey if it means I can fill my tank and spend less then $20 doing it once again, then cut the trees, relocate the fat birds, and let's start digging for some Alaskan tea...OIL THAT IS!!!!"
Peanut Butter Neck.....
So apparently I have been at the receiving end of some embarrassing work episodes as of late. Most recently I was a victim of my dog. I have 2 labs and one of them I have to give a pill 3 times a day for some skin irritation she has. I was loading the pill with peanut butter to make sure she swallows it. Now anybody with 2 dogs knows that if you give 1 dog food, you must give the other one some too. So I feed the little one a bit of peanut butter too. No problem. So the other morning before work I'm doing the daily peanut butter trick (not the penis one Freaks!) and all is well. I finish up and go put my socks on so I can get ready to leave. As I'm sitting on the edge of my bed the little pup comes up behind me and starts licking the back of my neck and head area and I can smell her peanut butter breath. I push her away and not thinking anything of it, go on my way to work. 2 minutes into my day my coworker comes up behind me and asks why I have stains all over my collar and shoulder. Stains that look like mustard!!! What?? I'm confused and have no idea what he's talking about so I head to the bathroom where I notice the nastiness. I'm stumped! It wasn't there when I got dressed! I start to wash it off and then I smell it...peanut butter! That little fucker smeared peanut butter all over the back of my collar and upper shoulder. I had to spend the entire day with giant peanut butter stains on my neck! I now have switched to putting the pill in cheese!
While I'm on the subject I'll fill you in on the other mishaps I've been on the catcher side of recently. I once came to work with 2 different colored shoes on. To this day I don't know exactly how I pulled that off, but I'm sure it again goes back to something my dogs did. I noticed just as I got to work, while riding the elevator up, that I had on 1 black dress shoe, a suit shoe, and 1 brown loafer type shoe. They weren't even the same style!!! I was horribly embarrassed and thought it was hilarious at the same time. I managed to hide it from my coworkers the whole day until 10 minutes before the end of the day when I decided it was far too funny not to tell anybody. I did not know the asshole next to me would go into a laughing fit that would propell him to the floor and only manage to breathe long enough to announce to the floor over the intercom that Yurrie The Fucking Giant had on 2 different colored shoes!!!! Fuck, I brought that upon myself!!!
The other incident went unnoticed. About an hour and half before the end of the day I must have sat wrong in my chair and somehow I managed to tear a huge slice down my right ass check. My suit pants literally split from mid pocket to almost mid thigh. My faggoty ass striped boxers were completely exposed, and unfortunately my job requires that I stand up often to relay trade tickets. Oh this was a dilly of a pickle. Somehow between awkwardly holding my ass check and sliding my chair about I was able to hide the fact that I ripped open a hole in my suit from my coworkers and when 5:00 hit I tossed my jacket on, and twenty-three skidooed out of there! Why does this shit keep happening to me??
So there you go. My misery is your enjoyment! Hooray Beer!
While I'm on the subject I'll fill you in on the other mishaps I've been on the catcher side of recently. I once came to work with 2 different colored shoes on. To this day I don't know exactly how I pulled that off, but I'm sure it again goes back to something my dogs did. I noticed just as I got to work, while riding the elevator up, that I had on 1 black dress shoe, a suit shoe, and 1 brown loafer type shoe. They weren't even the same style!!! I was horribly embarrassed and thought it was hilarious at the same time. I managed to hide it from my coworkers the whole day until 10 minutes before the end of the day when I decided it was far too funny not to tell anybody. I did not know the asshole next to me would go into a laughing fit that would propell him to the floor and only manage to breathe long enough to announce to the floor over the intercom that Yurrie The Fucking Giant had on 2 different colored shoes!!!! Fuck, I brought that upon myself!!!
The other incident went unnoticed. About an hour and half before the end of the day I must have sat wrong in my chair and somehow I managed to tear a huge slice down my right ass check. My suit pants literally split from mid pocket to almost mid thigh. My faggoty ass striped boxers were completely exposed, and unfortunately my job requires that I stand up often to relay trade tickets. Oh this was a dilly of a pickle. Somehow between awkwardly holding my ass check and sliding my chair about I was able to hide the fact that I ripped open a hole in my suit from my coworkers and when 5:00 hit I tossed my jacket on, and twenty-three skidooed out of there! Why does this shit keep happening to me??
So there you go. My misery is your enjoyment! Hooray Beer!
Wasted Humor....
So I show up last night and the usual is going on.... not much action. The Ravens were playing their final pre-season game of the season and not many fans showed up to watch, and I can't blame them. Who wants to watch a bunch of 3rd stringers and talentless scrubs trying to make the team? I mean half these guys will be bagging groceries next week, so why should I care about what they do in a meaningless football game. Plus I hate the Ravens and the majority of their bandwagon moronic fans, but that's another story!
Here's the skinny on the evenings activity. I wouldn't let 2 brothas in because they were dressed too thuggish. Even though the place was empty, I felt like being confrontational and decided to bust their balls about their attire. I told the first guy who had the gold fronts, that he couldn't come in because of his outfit. He asked what was wrong with it and I replied, "You can't wear those shorts in here." Pretty lame I know, but that is in the dress code. More or less you can't look like a dirt bag, thug, gangster, or any form of trouble. They leave and then promptly return where he asks, "Yo Man, I see all dem people right dere wearin shorts, why can't I wear shorts?". I said, "You can wear shorts in here, you just can't wear THOSE shorts in here!" He looked a bit confused and then walked out...again without confrontation. Doesn't anybody like to argue anymore???
Later on 4 Army guys came in and were kind of being loud and obnoxious and were becoming a pain. They had pissed off both bartenders and 2 groups of girls already because their miserable attempts at picking them up were...well miserable. As they left, the head dick head stopped by these 2 girls, where I happened to be standing, and stated, "I've been in the military for 12 years and have fought in Iraq to give you folks the right to sit here right now, and this is how I get treated!?!" This severely pissed me off so I did like any guy in that situation would do....I lied. "Who cares, I was a Navy Seal for 6 years, go fuck yourself!" He stumbled out without a response. The 2 girls then questioned the validity of my statement where I confessed it was a lie. I got a big kick out of it....like usual I was the only one.
Throughout the night, as people were coming in and giving me their ID, I would explain to them that it is Karaoke night and ask them what song they were going to sing. When they told me they weren't singing I would tell them that it's a 1 song minimum. Not funny I know, but one girl asked me when I was going to sing and I told her I already did my song. When she asked what song it was I told her it was an opera. HA! I still think that's funny...she chuckled...I'm lame....
More wasted humor.... Towards the end of the night I was chatting with a regular who always shoots pool. She told me she grew up in the area but was home schooled. I thought that was pretty cool and responded, "Wow, I've never met anyone who was home schooled before. What was your school mascot?" Silence...and she repeated, "No, I was home schooled." I said, "I know, what was your school mascot?" Fully expecting her to get the joke the second time she just gave me a pained expression and I said, "You didn't get the Joke." "No, I get it.....", she said. "No, no you don't", I responded and ended the conversation. I absolutely hate wasted humor. Come on!!!! I'm bored!!!! I'm being funny!!!! Throw me a fricking bone!!!!!
Here's the skinny on the evenings activity. I wouldn't let 2 brothas in because they were dressed too thuggish. Even though the place was empty, I felt like being confrontational and decided to bust their balls about their attire. I told the first guy who had the gold fronts, that he couldn't come in because of his outfit. He asked what was wrong with it and I replied, "You can't wear those shorts in here." Pretty lame I know, but that is in the dress code. More or less you can't look like a dirt bag, thug, gangster, or any form of trouble. They leave and then promptly return where he asks, "Yo Man, I see all dem people right dere wearin shorts, why can't I wear shorts?". I said, "You can wear shorts in here, you just can't wear THOSE shorts in here!" He looked a bit confused and then walked out...again without confrontation. Doesn't anybody like to argue anymore???
Later on 4 Army guys came in and were kind of being loud and obnoxious and were becoming a pain. They had pissed off both bartenders and 2 groups of girls already because their miserable attempts at picking them up were...well miserable. As they left, the head dick head stopped by these 2 girls, where I happened to be standing, and stated, "I've been in the military for 12 years and have fought in Iraq to give you folks the right to sit here right now, and this is how I get treated!?!" This severely pissed me off so I did like any guy in that situation would do....I lied. "Who cares, I was a Navy Seal for 6 years, go fuck yourself!" He stumbled out without a response. The 2 girls then questioned the validity of my statement where I confessed it was a lie. I got a big kick out of it....like usual I was the only one.
Throughout the night, as people were coming in and giving me their ID, I would explain to them that it is Karaoke night and ask them what song they were going to sing. When they told me they weren't singing I would tell them that it's a 1 song minimum. Not funny I know, but one girl asked me when I was going to sing and I told her I already did my song. When she asked what song it was I told her it was an opera. HA! I still think that's funny...she chuckled...I'm lame....
More wasted humor.... Towards the end of the night I was chatting with a regular who always shoots pool. She told me she grew up in the area but was home schooled. I thought that was pretty cool and responded, "Wow, I've never met anyone who was home schooled before. What was your school mascot?" Silence...and she repeated, "No, I was home schooled." I said, "I know, what was your school mascot?" Fully expecting her to get the joke the second time she just gave me a pained expression and I said, "You didn't get the Joke." "No, I get it.....", she said. "No, no you don't", I responded and ended the conversation. I absolutely hate wasted humor. Come on!!!! I'm bored!!!! I'm being funny!!!! Throw me a fricking bone!!!!!
Friday, August 26, 2005
Red Necks, Cell Phones, Tourettes, OH MY.....
And the saga continues....which one is that? The one of my complete boredom. I long for the days when I used to have to yell at drunkards, enforce dress codes, toss out dirt bags and break up fights. Now I sit, I watch, I scratch, and I attempt to amuse myself.
Another karaoke night....another headache. There was a rehearsal dinner going on last night so I knew at some point in the night these people would provide some entertainment. They didn't disappoint. Ladies and Gentlemen....meet your singers! Nothing real spectacular occurred, shocking I know, aside from the hammered red neck that insisted on singing every song, even getting involved in other people's songs. But believe you me, you have never been exposed to the most excruciating noise on Earth until you've heard a drunken red neck shout "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"! YEE-HAW motherfucker....yee-haw!
At one point in the evening I was told there may be some trouble concerning a woman in the bathroom. Apparently some lady grabbed a guy's cell phone and took off into the bathroom and would not come out or give it back. At one point even stating, "You'll have to call the cops before I come out." HA! I'll be damned if I can't drag a woman out of the shitter! The gentlemen told me all he wanted to do was get his phone and leave but this lady keeps taking pictures and sending them to her boyfriend. So I went in after "crazy bitch". I busted open the ladies room door and proclaimed, "Whoever is in here with this gentlemen's phone better come out now and give me the phone or I'm dragging everyone one of you out of here and throwing you out!" Boy, that felt good. I immediately heard, "Ok", and the lady came out. After the guy left I asked her what the deal was. Here's the kicker. Apparently this guy was taking pictures up this ladies skirt all night and got caught. The woman grabbed the phone and ran and was attempting to delete the pictures from the guy's phone! AWESOME! I totally love that guy now!!!
Nothing else of note occurred last night, other then the bartender, Missy, telling me she thinks I have tourettes! NICE! I'm really gonna play that up from now on!
Another karaoke night....another headache. There was a rehearsal dinner going on last night so I knew at some point in the night these people would provide some entertainment. They didn't disappoint. Ladies and Gentlemen....meet your singers! Nothing real spectacular occurred, shocking I know, aside from the hammered red neck that insisted on singing every song, even getting involved in other people's songs. But believe you me, you have never been exposed to the most excruciating noise on Earth until you've heard a drunken red neck shout "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"! YEE-HAW motherfucker....yee-haw!
At one point in the evening I was told there may be some trouble concerning a woman in the bathroom. Apparently some lady grabbed a guy's cell phone and took off into the bathroom and would not come out or give it back. At one point even stating, "You'll have to call the cops before I come out." HA! I'll be damned if I can't drag a woman out of the shitter! The gentlemen told me all he wanted to do was get his phone and leave but this lady keeps taking pictures and sending them to her boyfriend. So I went in after "crazy bitch". I busted open the ladies room door and proclaimed, "Whoever is in here with this gentlemen's phone better come out now and give me the phone or I'm dragging everyone one of you out of here and throwing you out!" Boy, that felt good. I immediately heard, "Ok", and the lady came out. After the guy left I asked her what the deal was. Here's the kicker. Apparently this guy was taking pictures up this ladies skirt all night and got caught. The woman grabbed the phone and ran and was attempting to delete the pictures from the guy's phone! AWESOME! I totally love that guy now!!!
Nothing else of note occurred last night, other then the bartender, Missy, telling me she thinks I have tourettes! NICE! I'm really gonna play that up from now on!
Monday, August 22, 2005
T.G.I.F-You....
It was a very slow and uneventful bar scene last week, capped off nicely with a slow and uneventful Friday night.
The 400 pound Samoan DJ was funny to look at, as was the random 5 girl gymnastic squad that wandered in at 1:00 and actually put on a routine on the dance floor. But the only real enjoyment I got from the evening was when I had to throw a drunk woman out.
She was probably late 40's-early 50's and she showed up shit faced. When she walked in, or I should say staggered in, she stopped in the doorway and just stared. I asked her if she was looking for someone and she answered, "Is this a bad girl bar?" I was a bit confused and responded, "No". So she walked in and sat at the bar. I took this opportunity to alert one of the bartenders that she was shit housed and to keep an eye on her.
Not 20 minutes later I hear my name being called in reference to said drunk woman. Apparently the bartenders had cut her off and wanted me to watch her. It didn't take long for me to realize that she had to go. Sitting at the bar where she was screaming at about 4 people at once about nothing in particular and leaning on the lady next to her, I figured now was as good a time as any to get her out. I could tell the other patrons were becoming irritable at her antics and I figured being proactive would be best.
I tapped her on the shoulder and told her she had to leave. She asked, "Why?" and I answered, "Because you've been cut off and now your pissing everyone off. " She then got up and said, "I need to get my belongings." I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about since she just walked in and I know she didn't have anything with her. I figured I'd amuse her and let her look for these mystery belongings. I was so hoping she'd grab really random things ala Navin Johnson in The Jerk and walk out with them. I followed her toward the pool tables where she stopped and look confused. "What are you looking for Ma'am?". "My shirt," she responded, "I need to find my shirt." "You're wearing your shirt!!" I yelled back at her. She looked around a bit and in a great drunken stooper said, "Oh fuck it!" and walked out. Bravo, old drunken lady, bravo!!
That was very early in the evening and the rest of the night was pure torture wrapped in misery.
The 400 pound Samoan DJ was funny to look at, as was the random 5 girl gymnastic squad that wandered in at 1:00 and actually put on a routine on the dance floor. But the only real enjoyment I got from the evening was when I had to throw a drunk woman out.
She was probably late 40's-early 50's and she showed up shit faced. When she walked in, or I should say staggered in, she stopped in the doorway and just stared. I asked her if she was looking for someone and she answered, "Is this a bad girl bar?" I was a bit confused and responded, "No". So she walked in and sat at the bar. I took this opportunity to alert one of the bartenders that she was shit housed and to keep an eye on her.
Not 20 minutes later I hear my name being called in reference to said drunk woman. Apparently the bartenders had cut her off and wanted me to watch her. It didn't take long for me to realize that she had to go. Sitting at the bar where she was screaming at about 4 people at once about nothing in particular and leaning on the lady next to her, I figured now was as good a time as any to get her out. I could tell the other patrons were becoming irritable at her antics and I figured being proactive would be best.
I tapped her on the shoulder and told her she had to leave. She asked, "Why?" and I answered, "Because you've been cut off and now your pissing everyone off. " She then got up and said, "I need to get my belongings." I wasn't quite sure what she was talking about since she just walked in and I know she didn't have anything with her. I figured I'd amuse her and let her look for these mystery belongings. I was so hoping she'd grab really random things ala Navin Johnson in The Jerk and walk out with them. I followed her toward the pool tables where she stopped and look confused. "What are you looking for Ma'am?". "My shirt," she responded, "I need to find my shirt." "You're wearing your shirt!!" I yelled back at her. She looked around a bit and in a great drunken stooper said, "Oh fuck it!" and walked out. Bravo, old drunken lady, bravo!!
That was very early in the evening and the rest of the night was pure torture wrapped in misery.
Friday, August 19, 2005
The Sounds of Silence....
What a wasted evening. That place blows. I mean I've had more productive nights pissing into the wind. Seriously, 10 people showed up last night....10! What's the point of me being there? I actually felt bad for the DJ. He's a really cool guy, bizarre, but cool. He played for 4 hours and 3 songs were karaoked. I was amused only twice throughout the entire miserable event.
The second singer of the night was a fat sloppy Mexican that looked like he came from a pool party. He provided us with his own bean cricket rendition of James Brown's "I Feel Good". It sounded as if the Godfather of Soul was having a refried bean shit storm into the microphone. I was so proud to have witnessed it.
My only other moment of joy was when I snuck a ticket up to the DJ requesting to sing "Me So Horny" by Mike Hunt. He obviously didn't get the joke and just asked, "Do I even have this song?" I think I was the only one that found this funny.
Yep, that's pretty much it. I was so miserable I began teaching my penis how to speak Spanish. Tonight will suck too....you can count on it.
The second singer of the night was a fat sloppy Mexican that looked like he came from a pool party. He provided us with his own bean cricket rendition of James Brown's "I Feel Good". It sounded as if the Godfather of Soul was having a refried bean shit storm into the microphone. I was so proud to have witnessed it.
My only other moment of joy was when I snuck a ticket up to the DJ requesting to sing "Me So Horny" by Mike Hunt. He obviously didn't get the joke and just asked, "Do I even have this song?" I think I was the only one that found this funny.
Yep, that's pretty much it. I was so miserable I began teaching my penis how to speak Spanish. Tonight will suck too....you can count on it.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
The Door Man Diaries.....
OK, I've decided since my brain cannot come up with anything interesting to write on here and my life is pretty much boring, that I will begin to chronicle the activities that take place at the bar I work. I work as a bouncer at a local bar several nights a week. Sometimes during the week, sometimes on the weekend. It's your pretty standard sports bar and grill but being that I work 9pm-2am as a bouncer I usually come in contact with interesting people, events, altercations, and drunken stupidity.
Last night was Beer Pong Night, as every Tuesday is now-a-days, and it was dead. This place is so hit or miss that it boggles the mind. I can't for the life of me figure out people's drinking patterns. Aside from the regulars, that wouldn't miss a night if the Pope were in town giving seminars on sheep fucking, I never know who or what will be there.
I got there early last night and at 5 mins to 9 was already encountering punks with fake ID's. These guys usually get there way before 9 so as not to be carded at the door and somehow sneak by throughout the night and drink or get their really late after already drinking somewhere else and hope the doorman lets his guard down. Usually I could care less but since the place was empty and it was early, very early, I needed something to do. (Note to minors- when you are trying to pass off as over 21, do not come to a bar in a pack of 8, especially when 4 of them do not happen to have their ID's on them but they swear they're 21, and another kid for some reason is out in Bel Air, MD on a Tuesday night with a bunch of locals but he just happens to be from West Virginia.....uhhhhh, yeah that's not suspicious!) I inform them they will have to leave and much to my displeasure they don't try to argue and leave....DAMN! Now it's 9:05 and I'm bored again!!
Over the next hour people begin showing up for beer pong....and by people I mean 2 guys. Beer pong starts at 10:00....nobody else showed up to play until about 10:15 which is odd since there's usualy a good dozen teams waiting by 9:30.
The next 2 hours I spent amusing myself by watching the professional arm wrestling championship, little league world series of softball and ESPN News highlights while getting random text messages from my brother that included, "It's lick a nipple night" and "I just met my first black guy named Elvis"...these kept me entertained.
Somewhere around 12:00 this odd thing happened....people showed up.....at 12:00....on a Tuesday night. Who are these people and what do they do?? 10 girls and 6 guys come piling in and immediately thrust themselves into the action....hey we got a party now! Or at least something to keep me busy. There are now about 25-30 people in the bar and I realize that I will not be getting cut early and must stay till 2am..... I am not happy!
Odd statement of the night: On his way out of the door some middle aged hillbilly approaches me and proclaims, "I didn't know it was big boned girl night"... Normally this would have made me laugh for obvious reasons but since I was in a bad mood about staying their all night I just stared blankly at him. I also didn't understand it because the majority of the girls there were actually attractive and quite fit....whatever. Anyway, he repeated himself guessing that my non-laughter must have meant I didn't hear him correctly. I again stared blankly at him, to which he followed up with, "But the big girls give good head....." and walked out. I wanted him dead but that made me chuckle!
Roughly around 1:30 or last call, a girl approaches me and asks if I carded the tall blonde in the glasses. I answered, "Yes, why?" She tells me that she knows the girl and she just turned 18. GREAT TIMING!! This girl had been here for 3 hours, she waits till now to tell me this. Not that it mattered anyway because I could have given a rats ass. Heck, if it were up to me the place would be flooded with high schoolers.
Thankfully the night ended and unfortunately without incident. Gee I can hardly wait for Thursday night's Karaoke........
Last night was Beer Pong Night, as every Tuesday is now-a-days, and it was dead. This place is so hit or miss that it boggles the mind. I can't for the life of me figure out people's drinking patterns. Aside from the regulars, that wouldn't miss a night if the Pope were in town giving seminars on sheep fucking, I never know who or what will be there.
I got there early last night and at 5 mins to 9 was already encountering punks with fake ID's. These guys usually get there way before 9 so as not to be carded at the door and somehow sneak by throughout the night and drink or get their really late after already drinking somewhere else and hope the doorman lets his guard down. Usually I could care less but since the place was empty and it was early, very early, I needed something to do. (Note to minors- when you are trying to pass off as over 21, do not come to a bar in a pack of 8, especially when 4 of them do not happen to have their ID's on them but they swear they're 21, and another kid for some reason is out in Bel Air, MD on a Tuesday night with a bunch of locals but he just happens to be from West Virginia.....uhhhhh, yeah that's not suspicious!) I inform them they will have to leave and much to my displeasure they don't try to argue and leave....DAMN! Now it's 9:05 and I'm bored again!!
Over the next hour people begin showing up for beer pong....and by people I mean 2 guys. Beer pong starts at 10:00....nobody else showed up to play until about 10:15 which is odd since there's usualy a good dozen teams waiting by 9:30.
The next 2 hours I spent amusing myself by watching the professional arm wrestling championship, little league world series of softball and ESPN News highlights while getting random text messages from my brother that included, "It's lick a nipple night" and "I just met my first black guy named Elvis"...these kept me entertained.
Somewhere around 12:00 this odd thing happened....people showed up.....at 12:00....on a Tuesday night. Who are these people and what do they do?? 10 girls and 6 guys come piling in and immediately thrust themselves into the action....hey we got a party now! Or at least something to keep me busy. There are now about 25-30 people in the bar and I realize that I will not be getting cut early and must stay till 2am..... I am not happy!
Odd statement of the night: On his way out of the door some middle aged hillbilly approaches me and proclaims, "I didn't know it was big boned girl night"... Normally this would have made me laugh for obvious reasons but since I was in a bad mood about staying their all night I just stared blankly at him. I also didn't understand it because the majority of the girls there were actually attractive and quite fit....whatever. Anyway, he repeated himself guessing that my non-laughter must have meant I didn't hear him correctly. I again stared blankly at him, to which he followed up with, "But the big girls give good head....." and walked out. I wanted him dead but that made me chuckle!
Roughly around 1:30 or last call, a girl approaches me and asks if I carded the tall blonde in the glasses. I answered, "Yes, why?" She tells me that she knows the girl and she just turned 18. GREAT TIMING!! This girl had been here for 3 hours, she waits till now to tell me this. Not that it mattered anyway because I could have given a rats ass. Heck, if it were up to me the place would be flooded with high schoolers.
Thankfully the night ended and unfortunately without incident. Gee I can hardly wait for Thursday night's Karaoke........
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Camping with the Feldmans....
Thursdays Thursdays....I hate pants. Thursdays Thursdays.....I hate pants. Take them off, pull them down.....free your balls. No more pants for me.....I will be so free. I hate pants to wear, I hate pants to hold, I hate pants to wash, I hate pants to walk, they cramp my nuts when I sit, I hate pants to wear...to wear....to WEAR!!!!!!!
No Pants Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lets get these fucking pants off now!
No Pants Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lets get these fucking pants off now!
Friday, August 05, 2005
Screw The Drivel...
OK, I haven't written anything on here in weeks and haven't written anything on here worth reading, well ever... So screw the drivel and just watch the videos I link to this site. The newest ones are toward the bottom and I they're all pretty good. In case you hadn't noticed I almost only link videos that have nudity or some form of sexual content. YEAH!! Enjoy a-holes!!!
Monday, June 13, 2005
It's a Whole New Ballgame...
OK, since MLB is so fucked up here's my way to improve the game and make the competion much more balanced. Until MLB realizes the game is unfair and only competitive for about 30% of teams it will consistantly lose viewers and fall deeper into the crapper. Without a hard salary cap, there is no sense in even letting small market teams play. So if MLB and the PA cannnot come to terms on a hard cap and a vast reduction in salaries, this is a great way to bring balance and competion back to the game.
First of all the AL and NL will all but be done away with. This is becasue a radical realignment will need to be done to create the balanced divisions. The divisions will no longer be constructed due to location of the city the team is from, because how does that lead to competion? Just because the Yanks and the D-Rays are both in the East does not mean they are suited to play against each other since MLB does not mandate that they have the same payroll. So I propose a realignment based soley on the size of the market the team plays in and the likelyhood of the organization to spend outside of their designated market size. Simply put, let the large market teams play in diivsions with the other large market teams, and more importantly let the small market teams play in divisions with other small market teams. The matchups and rivalries this will create will be great for the sport. Finally Brewer fans and Royals fans will have some reason to watch their team play. Devil Ray fans and Rockies fans will not have to give up hope during spring training. And no longer will big spending teams have a cake walk to the playoffs simply because their owner has deeper pockets and more resources then the other teams. The competiton will be much greater, thus forcing the rivalries created to be much greater and bringing back the fans from every city in every market. Finally every team will have a chance to make the playoffs!!!
Here's the breakdown on the realignment. Each team gets seperated into a category of Large Market, Mid-Market, and Small Market teams. Since there are 30 teams, 10 teams go into each category. Like anything else a few teams may be in a grey area, but it's a minor problem. Now the tricky part with this realignament is that AL teams and NL teams would be put in the same division, and even more tricky East Coast teams and West Coast team will be put in the same division. Therefore there needs to be some adjusments made. Like I said earlier, no longer will their be an American League and a National League. There will be an Eastern League and a Western League, thus forcing AL and NL teams to be in the same League. This brings me to my next change....the DH. Gonzo goes the DH. It's a pathetic attempt to cheapen the sport anyway. Let the pitchers bat. It allows for more strategy, give's the pitchers back the advantage, and will force giant fat pieces of shit, like David Ortiz, to learn how to pick up a glove and play some defense. It's outlandish that a professional athlete will get paid tens of millions of dollars for playing the sport half assed. Getting rid of these no talent hacks will be the first step in the right direction for this sport. Now that all teams are playing on an even field with the same rules, there will be no problem with AL and NL teams in the same divisions. One other adjustment I would make to the game would be to increase the 25 man roster to 27. The reason for this is because if you get rid of the DH that causes teams to use more bench players, pinch hitters, and bull pen arms. The NL teams should be used to this but an increase in players is still needed. There are far too many injuries to pitchers and I believe it's due to over work in the bullpen. Adding another arm to the pen will allow pitchers to pitch longer and more effective. Teams should be required to field a 6 man bench and an 8 man bullpen, which will cut down on the number of call ups and send downs to the minor leagues.
OK, so here's the new realignament of MLB:
Eastern League
Large............. Mid.............. Small
Yankees........ Orioles......... Nationals
Red Sox .........Reds ............Marlins
Mets............... Cardinals.... Pirates
Phillies ...........Tigers.......... Blue Jays
Braves............ Indians........Devil Rays
Western League
Large............. Mid.................... Small
Angels........... Mariners............Twins
Dodgers.........Rangers .............Athletics
Giants ...........Astros ................Royals
Cubs.............. Padres ...............Brewers
White Sox .....Diamondbacks.......Rockies
There it is. I know most people will argue about the integrity and the history of the game. And about rivalries and teams in the same city. But guess what, this is not the same game it was 100 years ago, heck it's not the same game it was 20 years ago. Baeball has evolved and has already changed, for the worse. Unless major reconstruction is made, the game will be lost. These new divisions will create some great matchups, force teams to play differently, spend differently, and for fans to care more.
Viva La Beisbol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First of all the AL and NL will all but be done away with. This is becasue a radical realignment will need to be done to create the balanced divisions. The divisions will no longer be constructed due to location of the city the team is from, because how does that lead to competion? Just because the Yanks and the D-Rays are both in the East does not mean they are suited to play against each other since MLB does not mandate that they have the same payroll. So I propose a realignment based soley on the size of the market the team plays in and the likelyhood of the organization to spend outside of their designated market size. Simply put, let the large market teams play in diivsions with the other large market teams, and more importantly let the small market teams play in divisions with other small market teams. The matchups and rivalries this will create will be great for the sport. Finally Brewer fans and Royals fans will have some reason to watch their team play. Devil Ray fans and Rockies fans will not have to give up hope during spring training. And no longer will big spending teams have a cake walk to the playoffs simply because their owner has deeper pockets and more resources then the other teams. The competiton will be much greater, thus forcing the rivalries created to be much greater and bringing back the fans from every city in every market. Finally every team will have a chance to make the playoffs!!!
Here's the breakdown on the realignment. Each team gets seperated into a category of Large Market, Mid-Market, and Small Market teams. Since there are 30 teams, 10 teams go into each category. Like anything else a few teams may be in a grey area, but it's a minor problem. Now the tricky part with this realignament is that AL teams and NL teams would be put in the same division, and even more tricky East Coast teams and West Coast team will be put in the same division. Therefore there needs to be some adjusments made. Like I said earlier, no longer will their be an American League and a National League. There will be an Eastern League and a Western League, thus forcing AL and NL teams to be in the same League. This brings me to my next change....the DH. Gonzo goes the DH. It's a pathetic attempt to cheapen the sport anyway. Let the pitchers bat. It allows for more strategy, give's the pitchers back the advantage, and will force giant fat pieces of shit, like David Ortiz, to learn how to pick up a glove and play some defense. It's outlandish that a professional athlete will get paid tens of millions of dollars for playing the sport half assed. Getting rid of these no talent hacks will be the first step in the right direction for this sport. Now that all teams are playing on an even field with the same rules, there will be no problem with AL and NL teams in the same divisions. One other adjustment I would make to the game would be to increase the 25 man roster to 27. The reason for this is because if you get rid of the DH that causes teams to use more bench players, pinch hitters, and bull pen arms. The NL teams should be used to this but an increase in players is still needed. There are far too many injuries to pitchers and I believe it's due to over work in the bullpen. Adding another arm to the pen will allow pitchers to pitch longer and more effective. Teams should be required to field a 6 man bench and an 8 man bullpen, which will cut down on the number of call ups and send downs to the minor leagues.
OK, so here's the new realignament of MLB:
Eastern League
Large............. Mid.............. Small
Yankees........ Orioles......... Nationals
Red Sox .........Reds ............Marlins
Mets............... Cardinals.... Pirates
Phillies ...........Tigers.......... Blue Jays
Braves............ Indians........Devil Rays
Western League
Large............. Mid.................... Small
Angels........... Mariners............Twins
Dodgers.........Rangers .............Athletics
Giants ...........Astros ................Royals
Cubs.............. Padres ...............Brewers
White Sox .....Diamondbacks.......Rockies
There it is. I know most people will argue about the integrity and the history of the game. And about rivalries and teams in the same city. But guess what, this is not the same game it was 100 years ago, heck it's not the same game it was 20 years ago. Baeball has evolved and has already changed, for the worse. Unless major reconstruction is made, the game will be lost. These new divisions will create some great matchups, force teams to play differently, spend differently, and for fans to care more.
Viva La Beisbol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Spoiled Pudding....
In 1976 A chick hit a possum in the road and said the words "Oh Crap, I just got this cleaned." Now that you've read these words, that possum will come meet you in the middle of the night and do the cha-cha at the foot of your bed, unless you post a comment to this message. Then you'll get three wishes granted. But the first two can only be for a candy bar. The last one can have anything to do with your favorite movie star, or the classic 70's rock band, Queen.
Oh and if your favorite color is purple. You're going to Die. Sorry
Oh and if your favorite color is purple. You're going to Die. Sorry
Puppy Farts: Look I Burned The Toast....
So a few days ago I was walking through my house when I realized I had no legs. I wasn't scared because this wasn't the first time but this time was different. Usually when I'm walking without my legs I'm shaped like a goose, but this time I had a hair cut. The really weird part is that 4 years ago a man called my house looking for Tony and I don't know a Tony, so maybe I should start breathing again. So after finding my legs I had to go to the zoo. I mean it was nearly 4:30 and I had yet to play with any gorilla balls. I grabbed my milking gloves put a jar of pickles in my pants and danced the sweet dance of camel toe joy. The air was filled with excitement. The children happy as fleas. My pants bursting with erections. A pirate came to me and delivered a package full of anal scabs from the battle of 1856 or "The Great Weasel Fight of '53". I had forgotten I bought them off of eBay. Now I can finally recreate the horrifying tale of how the west was won. As I entered the bat sanctuary I was approached by 3 elves, a bear, and a Mexican. They wanted my box of anal scabs and offered me a trade. They were willing to give me 4 stab wounds, a bowl of jelly, 1 bucket of fried frisbee yodels, and a barrel of piss. I thought long and hard, then fell asleep. When I woke up my legs were missing again but were replaced by the extras from the movie ET. Now we're getting somewhere. If only I can convince Barry the Horse Whisperer to stop hiding the remote control, then maybe I can get the 3 little pigs home from the circus before the Mustang Chorus lets out. But alas I am just one man with ET extras for legs and I can only do so much. So instead I'll just drive the beaver around in my hoopdy in search of the elusive Booby Faced Tit Mouse...... I'll be back!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 06, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Debbie Heinz Smells....
Her boobs are huge and she doesn't let people fondle them at work. This angers me greatly! I think someone should drop a barracuda in her diet coke! Chicks with giant melons should welcome people to grope them. I mean what's the point of having the artillery if you're not going to use it. It's like having a nice Porsche and leaving it in the garage and only allow people to look at it through a tiny window. Come on Giant Canned Woman of the World....show those fun bags. Allow all to embrace your milky pleasures!! You know guys love grabbing handfuls of tit, so why make them hold back. You know you like it too!!! Now go jam your bouncies in some guys face and tell him to start squeezing!! Debbie, this means you especially. Do not deprive the men you work with of your luscious mounds of love jelly. If I don't start hearing numerous stories of big breasted woman randomly jamming their knockers onto unexpected guys hands I swear I'm going to fill your vagina with concrete and throw you in a lake!!! I've never actually bludgeoned a person with a rake before but I'm not opposed to starting now. If you want to live to see Flag Day, you'll start exposing your jumblies..... This is your only warning!!! Debbie....oh Debbie Debbie Debbie...... Free your sweater puppets!!!!!!!! Free them damn you!!! And while you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to show the axe wound once in a while either....ya know, the roast beef, the moose knuckle, camel toe, bearded clam, snack bar, your VAG.....ok I think you get the point! I hope I made myself perfectly clear.... now back to sodomizing boy scouts I go!!!
Friday, April 22, 2005
Babe Knows Best....
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink,
I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
I think, "It is better to drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth
Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their
hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
I think, "It is better to drink this beer
and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth
My Daily Nugget: Questions I Need Answered......
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
2. Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........
14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
16. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
17. Do you ever wonder why you come to my web site in the first place?
.......barracudas nipping at your toes.....
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
2. Who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on..........
14. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
15. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
16. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
17. Do you ever wonder why you come to my web site in the first place?
.......barracudas nipping at your toes.....
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
My Daily Nugget: What's Burning??
So the Cardinals are meeting to decide the new Pope and after each vote they burn the ballots and create either white smoke or black smoke depending on whether or not a new Pope has been found. I wanna know exactly what they are burning to create this white and black smoke. Sure they say it's the ballots and quite possibly they throw something on the fire to make it a certain color, but really it could be anything. How do we know these old freaks aren't tucked away for 3 weeks getting blazed and watching Cheech and Chong movies?? White smoke, black smoke, kine bud, northern lights....it's all the same thing. Smoke the KB if we got a new Pope, burn the schwag if we don't. I think it would be great if after every vote they don't come up with a decision they throw one of the Cardinals on the fire. Red smoke means no Pope yet, and the field just got smaller! Either way I hope they're drunk and I'm putting my money on the Italian guy!!
The Real Circle Jerk.....
So since when is driving your car considered a sport??? Is NASCAR really any different then driving to work? Seriously, I fight traffic, dodge cars, "trade paint", position my vehicle, work up a sweat, get stressed, and plan the best attack every day. It's called commuting....not a sport. If NASCAR is a sport then why isn't commuting? It's pretty much the same thing, except your not going around in circles, on purpose, and you're not all going to the same place. I just don't see the sport in it, or if you want just consider commuting a sport, cause it's no different. Everybody on the free way is racing the guy next to them to get home. Nobody wants to take the long way home. Nobody wants to get home slower. We all try to find the fastest rout, the quickest lane, pass the slow guy, cut off the competition, and get home fastest. We try to minimize our "pit stops"...i.e....fuel, maintenance, pee breaks, food. Often we use the radio, TV, cell phone to find out what's going on around us, or more importantly in front of us in order to ensure us the quickest rout possible.....sounds like a pit crew to me. It's not a sport....it's driving. The guys and girls in NASCAR do nothing differently then I do everyday just to get to and from work, except I don't have a sponsor, a flame retardant jump suit, and a fatty ass paycheck waiting for me when I turn my car off. This crap people call a sport is really pissing me off, but I can accept it if I have to. I mean it is competition. And anytime you compete with someone there is a flavor of sport in it, so I can accept it being labeled a sport if I have to. What I cannot accept, however, is how any human with a brain and a clue can say that these individuals that drive these vehicles can be called athletes. ATHLETES!!!! Come on people....are you that desperate to be welcomed into a group of people you look up to? Are we going to start calling hunters athletes too??? I mean hunting is a sport is it not? Are chess players athletes??? Chess is a sport. Just because what you're doing is technically described as a sport does not automatically reward you with the title of being an athlete. It takes exactly zero athletic ability to drive a car...and drive it in circles mind you. Not driving through towns, free ways, up and down hills, dodging busses, trucks, pedestrians, stopping at lights, merging, signaling....for god sakes folks they drive around in a circle for 3 hours. I can put a baby on a swing for half a day, does that make him athletic?? The car is more athletic then the driver. To be an athlete you must be able to do something athletic, like moving for instance. Sitting down and slightly moving your arms is not athletic. I've seen secretaries move more then NASCAR drivers. Delivery boys, waiters, actors show more athletic ability then drivers do. Are cab drivers, bus drivers, pilots, and train engineers athletes? I mean they do operate a vehicle....that is all that race fans need to consider one an athlete, right? I would say the guy that washes the car and the mechanic are closer to an athlete then the guy that sits behind the wheel and presses the gas pedal. What a giant crock of shit this NASCAR crap is. ESPN should be embarrassed for actually putting these people in categories for athlete of the year and other athletic awards. Hand-eye coordination is a huge part of what makes athletes great, but it's usually accompanied with some kind of movement and athletic ability....not sitting and looking!!! Why are NASCAR drivers athletes and truck drivers not. Truckers spend more hours driving tougher vehicles then NASCAR drivers do. But are they praised for their skill? NO! Actually they're often mocked. PATHETIC!! If a NASCAR driver is an athlete then so is any person that plays playstation....heck play a NASCAR video game and you do the exact same thing a real driver does, without smelling like exhaust and regular old red neck stench. This bullshit is a real slap in the face to every real athlete out there that works his/her ass off every day to stay in top physical and athletic condition. It takes more then the ability to keep a fast car going in a circle to be considered athletic. What's next? ESPN going to show competitive house wives grocery shopping and give them all ESPY awards for buying pickled eggs more efficiently then other athletic house wives??? We gonna praise the talents and abilities of accountants and watch as they spend grueling hours tagging along on a calculator and stopping only to clean their glasses and take a piss???? You fuckers suck. Stop making normal every day tasks into sporting events and turning regular untalented people into world class athletes. Just let those who can....do. And all you wanna-be athletes can either play a real sport or do something else, like clean port-a-johns!
Welp, I can barely wait for my drive home now so I can play NASCAR!!! Boogidy-Boogidy!!!
Welp, I can barely wait for my drive home now so I can play NASCAR!!! Boogidy-Boogidy!!!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Good Joke....
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Monday, April 11, 2005
The Amazing Yurrie's Weekly Horoscope 04/11/05....
Aries (3/21-4/19):
Be on the alert this week for fags. They will be highly attracted to you and attempt mightily to jam their fingers in your ass. Try walking sideways and sleeping on your back. Also look for your face to fall off somewhere around Thursday, only to reappear on your ass, but seriously will anybody really notice?? On Saturday try putting squirrels down your pants....
Taurus (4/20-5/20):
Taurus' by nature on not very cool so don't expect anything different this week. Look for plenty of teasing, mocking, wedgies and noogies. Don't fight it. Just wear tear away underwear and put yourself in a happy place, which most likely will be a Star Trek Convention or at Space Camp. Good luck this week, you'll need it, DORK!
Gemini (5/21-6/21):
There will be plenty of tea bagging for you this week, men and women!! This is the week when your slutty nature bursts onto the scene. Expect to get laid at least 35 times this week so stretch out and lube up. There's a high probability of catching an STD or 2 so don't be surprised. Also your dog will burst into flames.
Cancer (6/22-7/22):
This should be a very interesting week for you. Not only will you get a promotion at work but you will also get fired. But don't worry you won't be unemployed for long because you will be hit by a train over the weekend. Over 2,000 people per year get killed by passing trains, and this week you folks drew the short straw. Start making arrangements now....it will be easier!
Leo (7/23-8/22):
The weather will be nice this week so go outside, but don't answer your door. I can't tell you why but trust me, don't answer it. Also if you see a red pick-up truck in your neighborhood, hide. And if a man in a cape asks you for a light and the time in Denmark, just pretend you're a yard flamingo and he'll go away....or lick you....either way it's worth it.
Virgo (8/23-9/22):
Short skirts and ear muffs are on the menu for you this week. That's what you will look best in. Be rebellious, show off that camel toe! This week cheetos are your friend and bacon strips make great lovers. Be kind to your mailman and he won't take a dump in your flower bed. And your parents hate you!
Libra (9/23-10/22):
Love is in the air....and if you catch it, it will kill you. Best if you just live in a bubble for about 10 days just to make sure. During down time try putting squirrels down your pants. If you get the urge, paint the rug and bury your spatulas. Trust me it'll come in handy.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21):
Quite possibly you're the coolest people on the planet, so do whatever you want....as long as you don't wear pants! Yep, it's another no pants week so drop it like it's hot. And do something yourself. Give yourself a Brazilian wax and then go neuter the dog.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):
Hey, it's kill a mime week. Go out and find a mime and kill it. Then put squirrels down your pants and kill yourself too. After that you're free to enjoy the week. Please, do not harm the squirrels!!
Capricorn (12/22-1/19):
Your car won't start. Your house will burn down. Your Grandparents will die, or if already dead will come back to life to see how much of a loser you are and die of embarrassment. Your dog will hump a lamp post and get electrocuted. A goat will eat all your hair and then die. But other then that, this will be the best week of your life! Party On Nut Rod!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18):
I doubt anybody will talk to you this week so things are already looking up. If you decide to leave your house, only wear lace. You should go fishing and play croquet, heck try them both at the same time. Anytime you see a garbage truck, yell out, "PANTY RAID"! and then do a cartwheel.
Pisces (2/19-3/20):
This week will be an awkward week for you if you work in the food services field. Try something new like taking a shower or washing your hands even, you fucking slob! Here's an idea....try picking your ass, wiping your sweaty face, and coughing into your hands before making my burrito, you greasy, disgusting Mexican douche bag!!! Here's some insight for you: go to hell!!! For the rest of you, enjoy the week, just don't eat the burritos. Oh yeah and your child's head will fall off Friday night.
Be on the alert this week for fags. They will be highly attracted to you and attempt mightily to jam their fingers in your ass. Try walking sideways and sleeping on your back. Also look for your face to fall off somewhere around Thursday, only to reappear on your ass, but seriously will anybody really notice?? On Saturday try putting squirrels down your pants....
Taurus (4/20-5/20):
Taurus' by nature on not very cool so don't expect anything different this week. Look for plenty of teasing, mocking, wedgies and noogies. Don't fight it. Just wear tear away underwear and put yourself in a happy place, which most likely will be a Star Trek Convention or at Space Camp. Good luck this week, you'll need it, DORK!
Gemini (5/21-6/21):
There will be plenty of tea bagging for you this week, men and women!! This is the week when your slutty nature bursts onto the scene. Expect to get laid at least 35 times this week so stretch out and lube up. There's a high probability of catching an STD or 2 so don't be surprised. Also your dog will burst into flames.
Cancer (6/22-7/22):
This should be a very interesting week for you. Not only will you get a promotion at work but you will also get fired. But don't worry you won't be unemployed for long because you will be hit by a train over the weekend. Over 2,000 people per year get killed by passing trains, and this week you folks drew the short straw. Start making arrangements now....it will be easier!
Leo (7/23-8/22):
The weather will be nice this week so go outside, but don't answer your door. I can't tell you why but trust me, don't answer it. Also if you see a red pick-up truck in your neighborhood, hide. And if a man in a cape asks you for a light and the time in Denmark, just pretend you're a yard flamingo and he'll go away....or lick you....either way it's worth it.
Virgo (8/23-9/22):
Short skirts and ear muffs are on the menu for you this week. That's what you will look best in. Be rebellious, show off that camel toe! This week cheetos are your friend and bacon strips make great lovers. Be kind to your mailman and he won't take a dump in your flower bed. And your parents hate you!
Libra (9/23-10/22):
Love is in the air....and if you catch it, it will kill you. Best if you just live in a bubble for about 10 days just to make sure. During down time try putting squirrels down your pants. If you get the urge, paint the rug and bury your spatulas. Trust me it'll come in handy.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21):
Quite possibly you're the coolest people on the planet, so do whatever you want....as long as you don't wear pants! Yep, it's another no pants week so drop it like it's hot. And do something yourself. Give yourself a Brazilian wax and then go neuter the dog.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):
Hey, it's kill a mime week. Go out and find a mime and kill it. Then put squirrels down your pants and kill yourself too. After that you're free to enjoy the week. Please, do not harm the squirrels!!
Capricorn (12/22-1/19):
Your car won't start. Your house will burn down. Your Grandparents will die, or if already dead will come back to life to see how much of a loser you are and die of embarrassment. Your dog will hump a lamp post and get electrocuted. A goat will eat all your hair and then die. But other then that, this will be the best week of your life! Party On Nut Rod!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18):
I doubt anybody will talk to you this week so things are already looking up. If you decide to leave your house, only wear lace. You should go fishing and play croquet, heck try them both at the same time. Anytime you see a garbage truck, yell out, "PANTY RAID"! and then do a cartwheel.
Pisces (2/19-3/20):
This week will be an awkward week for you if you work in the food services field. Try something new like taking a shower or washing your hands even, you fucking slob! Here's an idea....try picking your ass, wiping your sweaty face, and coughing into your hands before making my burrito, you greasy, disgusting Mexican douche bag!!! Here's some insight for you: go to hell!!! For the rest of you, enjoy the week, just don't eat the burritos. Oh yeah and your child's head will fall off Friday night.
Friday, April 08, 2005
And the Dumbass of the Month Award Goes to.....
A Bricklayer's Accident Report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure….
Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lb..
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report. form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain).
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lb.. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."
Dear Sir:
"I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lb..
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.
You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report. form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience (pain).
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lb.. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry."
My Daily Nugget: Working One Out....
Is taking a shit considered exercise?? Cause when you break it down all the essentials are there. You have the flexing and contracting of muscles, sweating, cramping, sometimes dehydration, and often times when you're finished you're sore. If that's the case consider me the Carl Lewis of the can. Just running it up the flag pole and seeing if it waves.....
Thursday, April 07, 2005
My Daily Nugget: The Space Between My Ears.....
Maybe the middle east would be more peaceful if we send over some air conditioners...I mean, sheesh its hot over there!
How long before we see "New and Improved Oxygen!"
Diner food is awesome.
We always rave about places that "taste like home cooking"...so why not just stay home?
The greatest con in the world? Pasta. Same food, different shapes.
Second greatest con in the world? Bottled Water. Remember Evian is Naive backwards.
Instant Replay should be appllied to every facet of life. I'd win alot more arguments that way. Right Kel???
I dont care what anyone says, E-Z Cheez and Keebler Club Crackers are the best snack ever when you don't feel like moving for a few hours.
Tell me honestly that you dont find Tim Curry disturbingly attractive in Rocky Horror Picture Show...
One day I want to glue all the pieces of JENGA together...
Time to legalize Mary Jane. Honestly now, the government is missing a big opportunity to collect more tax money that can be used in anti drug programs...would that be Ironic?
Nascar is not a sport. Its a bunch of guys driving around in circles. I did that once after too many beers, no ones giving me a trophy or a check. Then again, my car doesnt have a big viagra logo on it either.
Meatball heroes are sooooo yummy.
Brad Pitt, best actor since Marlon Brando. And alive too....
The next James Bond? My vote is for Ben Affleck. Time for 007 to suck....badly!
Whats the difference between a sunroof and a moonroof?
Women seem to love Vin Diesel. The guy must get more play than a Beatles record. I find it Ironic that his initials are V.D.
Vin Diesel is the posterboy for why nerds with speech impediments shouldn’t be allowed near a gym.
Whatever happened to Gallagher? Nobody smashes a watermelon like him.
I'm growing a mullet on my butt.....wonder how that'll turn out!!!!
How long before we see "New and Improved Oxygen!"
Diner food is awesome.
We always rave about places that "taste like home cooking"...so why not just stay home?
The greatest con in the world? Pasta. Same food, different shapes.
Second greatest con in the world? Bottled Water. Remember Evian is Naive backwards.
Instant Replay should be appllied to every facet of life. I'd win alot more arguments that way. Right Kel???
I dont care what anyone says, E-Z Cheez and Keebler Club Crackers are the best snack ever when you don't feel like moving for a few hours.
Tell me honestly that you dont find Tim Curry disturbingly attractive in Rocky Horror Picture Show...
One day I want to glue all the pieces of JENGA together...
Time to legalize Mary Jane. Honestly now, the government is missing a big opportunity to collect more tax money that can be used in anti drug programs...would that be Ironic?
Nascar is not a sport. Its a bunch of guys driving around in circles. I did that once after too many beers, no ones giving me a trophy or a check. Then again, my car doesnt have a big viagra logo on it either.
Meatball heroes are sooooo yummy.
Brad Pitt, best actor since Marlon Brando. And alive too....
The next James Bond? My vote is for Ben Affleck. Time for 007 to suck....badly!
Whats the difference between a sunroof and a moonroof?
Women seem to love Vin Diesel. The guy must get more play than a Beatles record. I find it Ironic that his initials are V.D.
Vin Diesel is the posterboy for why nerds with speech impediments shouldn’t be allowed near a gym.
Whatever happened to Gallagher? Nobody smashes a watermelon like him.
I'm growing a mullet on my butt.....wonder how that'll turn out!!!!
Saturday Night Dead......
I really think the greatest skit SNL ever came up with was Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein singing Christmas carols. What a truley random and brilliant concept. As funny as it sounds, the concept alone does it no justice unless you've seen it. John Lovitz (Tonto), Kevin Nealon (Tarzan) and the late great Phil Hatman (Frankenstein) were terrific. We need more great comedy like this. If you missed it, you suck! If you forgot it, you're a douche bag! If you think I'm an asshole, you're probably right! If you want to kick me in the balls, MACARONI!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A Gay State of Mind....
I've often wrestled with the question of which state was the gayest in the country. I mean all of them have their own gay tendencies in some form or another, but there has to be one that stands out from the crowd and truly is a gay state. After much deliberation and thought on this topic I think I finally narrowed it down to the clear winner....
On the surface a few states immediatly jump out as the front runners; California, New York, Florida. But we can eliminate them with several arguments. California seems like an easy answer because of the high gay population in San Francisco. But can a city devoted to queens really be enough to crown CA as the winner? I think not. The state is much too large, possibly if it were Rhode Island or Delaware, but California needs more against it then just San Fran. There's enough testosterone in Hollywood, Muscle Beach, and the porn industry to keep this state from turning fag. True there is gay porn but the majority of the porn is guy on girl or girl on girl and I don't consider girl on girl being gay....more like erotic!!! Plus the Terminator is the governor and he would never let his state hide the pickle. Next we visit New York. I mean there is a huge gay population in Manhattan and they have a place called Queens. Even John Rocker thinks it's gay, but then again he's a dumb redneck so you know he's misinformed! As liberal as NY is, one thing it's not....is GAY. It's the toughest city in the world...outside the Middle East that is. There are far too many mobsters, gangsters and history in that state to turn it gay. Now we come to Florida. Now when we think of Florida we usually picture 2 things; a limp phallic like shaped land form as seen on a map (gay), and a sweaty fruit roller balding down Miami Beach in a thong (damn gay). However as blatantly homo as these are, FL has 2 things working against it; the elderly and Cubans. They represent about 80% of Florida and neither one tolerates gays and would not allow their state to become the land of the Liberace's.
So eliminating these 3 states leaves us with only.....47 or so. Texas??? No way! I think we can all say that's not possible. In fact I would say no state that has a large Mexican population would be considered gay...far too religious! Idaho is shaped like a big hard wiener...but not enough there. Maybe if we were discussing pig fuckers or goat spanking then Idaho, Iowa, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Wyoming would be candidates. Utah? Nope, they like it straight...with lots of people. And maybe they'll kidnap a kid or two, but not gay. West Virginia? In-breeders, not fags. Alaska? To damn cold to be gay. Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama? Wife beaters and wouldn't tolerate flamers.
Now this search has forced me to think outside the box and look deeper. It has brought me to the winner...the sleeper if you will. And upon further review it appears more obvious then ever. The gayest state is easily Oregon. I mean come on folks. That place is full of forests and state parks. That's fag breeding grounds. Gays are always going on camping trips and admiring nature. That place is swarming with fudge packers climbing trees and bull dykes hiking through the mountains. Recall how California was supposed to drop off into the ocean, but never did? That's because the gays in Oregon suck so hard!!! The state is situated close enough to the San Fran homo hot bed but far enough away not to draw suspicion. Well I'm on to all of you hamster hiders! You may not be the sparkling, glam, Rupaul screaming queers that we were looking for, but like they say, it's the quiet ones you need to watch!
On the surface a few states immediatly jump out as the front runners; California, New York, Florida. But we can eliminate them with several arguments. California seems like an easy answer because of the high gay population in San Francisco. But can a city devoted to queens really be enough to crown CA as the winner? I think not. The state is much too large, possibly if it were Rhode Island or Delaware, but California needs more against it then just San Fran. There's enough testosterone in Hollywood, Muscle Beach, and the porn industry to keep this state from turning fag. True there is gay porn but the majority of the porn is guy on girl or girl on girl and I don't consider girl on girl being gay....more like erotic!!! Plus the Terminator is the governor and he would never let his state hide the pickle. Next we visit New York. I mean there is a huge gay population in Manhattan and they have a place called Queens. Even John Rocker thinks it's gay, but then again he's a dumb redneck so you know he's misinformed! As liberal as NY is, one thing it's not....is GAY. It's the toughest city in the world...outside the Middle East that is. There are far too many mobsters, gangsters and history in that state to turn it gay. Now we come to Florida. Now when we think of Florida we usually picture 2 things; a limp phallic like shaped land form as seen on a map (gay), and a sweaty fruit roller balding down Miami Beach in a thong (damn gay). However as blatantly homo as these are, FL has 2 things working against it; the elderly and Cubans. They represent about 80% of Florida and neither one tolerates gays and would not allow their state to become the land of the Liberace's.
So eliminating these 3 states leaves us with only.....47 or so. Texas??? No way! I think we can all say that's not possible. In fact I would say no state that has a large Mexican population would be considered gay...far too religious! Idaho is shaped like a big hard wiener...but not enough there. Maybe if we were discussing pig fuckers or goat spanking then Idaho, Iowa, Oklahoma, Nebraska and Wyoming would be candidates. Utah? Nope, they like it straight...with lots of people. And maybe they'll kidnap a kid or two, but not gay. West Virginia? In-breeders, not fags. Alaska? To damn cold to be gay. Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama? Wife beaters and wouldn't tolerate flamers.
Now this search has forced me to think outside the box and look deeper. It has brought me to the winner...the sleeper if you will. And upon further review it appears more obvious then ever. The gayest state is easily Oregon. I mean come on folks. That place is full of forests and state parks. That's fag breeding grounds. Gays are always going on camping trips and admiring nature. That place is swarming with fudge packers climbing trees and bull dykes hiking through the mountains. Recall how California was supposed to drop off into the ocean, but never did? That's because the gays in Oregon suck so hard!!! The state is situated close enough to the San Fran homo hot bed but far enough away not to draw suspicion. Well I'm on to all of you hamster hiders! You may not be the sparkling, glam, Rupaul screaming queers that we were looking for, but like they say, it's the quiet ones you need to watch!
My Daily Nugget: Thoughts I think.....
Dark Chocolate. Boy is it yummy.
The Mets. Gosh I hope they do well.
Mr. Met. I think he's on steroids, anyone see the size of his head lately?
Automobile Recalls. Cant they do things right the first time?
The Contender. Hey its just nice to see Sly Stallone again.
Dirt. Good for growing food in, Not so good making spaceships out of.
The Universe. Nothing more than an atom in the makeup of something else. A purple blade of grass, perhaps?
Censorship. Should be done by self, not government.
Hunter S. Thomson. Did Gonzo leave a suicide note?
Siegfried and Roy. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA
E.T. Why did they edit out the guns to be walkie talkies, and change the kid who claims to be a terrorist, into claiming to be a hippy.
Hippies. Are they Terrorists?
Terrorists. Are they Hippies?
Manatee's. Sometimes called the Sea Cow, but I bet the milk isnt as good.
Hot Dogs and Buns. Will they ever even out?
Reality TV. Why watch it, when you can just review Bank America tapes?
Powdered Water. What do you mix it with?
The Jello is melting...
The Mets. Gosh I hope they do well.
Mr. Met. I think he's on steroids, anyone see the size of his head lately?
Automobile Recalls. Cant they do things right the first time?
The Contender. Hey its just nice to see Sly Stallone again.
Dirt. Good for growing food in, Not so good making spaceships out of.
The Universe. Nothing more than an atom in the makeup of something else. A purple blade of grass, perhaps?
Censorship. Should be done by self, not government.
Hunter S. Thomson. Did Gonzo leave a suicide note?
Siegfried and Roy. HAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAAA
E.T. Why did they edit out the guns to be walkie talkies, and change the kid who claims to be a terrorist, into claiming to be a hippy.
Hippies. Are they Terrorists?
Terrorists. Are they Hippies?
Manatee's. Sometimes called the Sea Cow, but I bet the milk isnt as good.
Hot Dogs and Buns. Will they ever even out?
Reality TV. Why watch it, when you can just review Bank America tapes?
Powdered Water. What do you mix it with?
The Jello is melting...
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
A Message to the Tar Holes....
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Congratulations.....you cost me money!!!!
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Congratulations.....you cost me money!!!!
Monday, April 04, 2005
Opening day.....
Baseball is back and if you're like most people I know, then you really don't care. However between March Madness and Spring Training...this is the best time of year. You can't beat Vermont waxing one of your final four teams in the opening round and Bucknell upsetting perennial power house Kansas mixed in with the optimism and anticipation of being a Pirates, Devil Rays and Brewers fan. Talk about a swift kick in the nuts before you even get kissed! I mean for some sad sacks this must be like having a bee sting you on the balls, or if you're a girl jamming a 9 volt on your taint and squirting out a juicy queef! Fun filled times of heartache!
For me I enjoy pain and suffering, therefore I long for the dreaded misery the Mets tend to spike at me like the devil just scored the game winning touchdown and the pitch forke gets planted squrely in my groin. So bring it on.....the red hots, the peanuts, the potato knish. Show me the cracker jacks, the nachos and the soft pretzels. Bring it on Baseball Gods, cause it could be worse! I could be a Maple Leafs fan!
Speaking of which, those fucks get awfully testy when you pretend to play a game of pool in front of their big screen play off game.....it's just hockey!! Get over it WAYNE!
Also is there any snacky food better then the soft pretzel??? So good!!!
For me I enjoy pain and suffering, therefore I long for the dreaded misery the Mets tend to spike at me like the devil just scored the game winning touchdown and the pitch forke gets planted squrely in my groin. So bring it on.....the red hots, the peanuts, the potato knish. Show me the cracker jacks, the nachos and the soft pretzels. Bring it on Baseball Gods, cause it could be worse! I could be a Maple Leafs fan!
Speaking of which, those fucks get awfully testy when you pretend to play a game of pool in front of their big screen play off game.....it's just hockey!! Get over it WAYNE!
Also is there any snacky food better then the soft pretzel??? So good!!!
My Daily Nugget: Pope Danny Lynk Price the 1st...NOT!
First it was Mr. YCP, then it was the XFL, now it looks like I won't be the next Pope.... Somebody really wants me to eat the shit sandwhich this lifetime. When am I ever going to not get screwed by the MAN?
Friday, April 01, 2005
Sleep Deprivation.....
1 chicken, 2 chickens, a bear and a foot
some popcorn, some pickles, a puppy and another foot
My gouda free garden, a toenail with chives
The kitty litter backstop has taken too many lives
Gordon has no head, and bagels are cheap
That old man used to drown when the ass got too deep
You walk and you walk and when you stop you stand
Spit out the fish, taste the back of my hand
Promise the pig, juggle the goat, hand feed the weasel
Shuffleboard wedgies......Let's go!
some popcorn, some pickles, a puppy and another foot
My gouda free garden, a toenail with chives
The kitty litter backstop has taken too many lives
Gordon has no head, and bagels are cheap
That old man used to drown when the ass got too deep
You walk and you walk and when you stop you stand
Spit out the fish, taste the back of my hand
Promise the pig, juggle the goat, hand feed the weasel
Shuffleboard wedgies......Let's go!
Thursday, March 31, 2005
My Daily Nugget: Visitation Rights and Lefts!
So my brother-in-law and his girlfriend had a baby yesterday. A boy...cute kid. I went to visit them in the hospital last night and I don't know if it's just me, but I'm very uncomfortable visiting people in the hospital. Hospitals in general just freak me out and unless a limb is broken or I need serious medical attention, there's really little chance of ever getting me in that place. So hanging out there talking to someone strung out on meds and sprawled across a craftmatic adjustable bed is not my idea of a good time. I don't know why that is. I myself have never been in a hospital bed where people needed to come visit me so I don't know what it's like. However, I do know that staring at someone like they're the sucker fish for an hour is not comfortable for me and I can only assume it's no swinging good time for them either. I just don't understand the point of it. I know with a baby it's different because you want to see the newborn, no problem. But when someone is ill or just coming out of surgery, why do we need to visit these people while they are recuperating? Do we really need to see them all messy, stinky, half nude and drugged up just to find out how they are doing and show our support? You can get the same message across with a phone call and sending flowers or a gift basket without the uncomfortable feeling of having to gawk at a pee bucket. Lord knows if I'm ever in that situation I would not want anyone stopping by to chit chat or see how I was doing. You wanna know how I am, call me. If I'm well enough to acknowledge that you're in the room, I'm well enough to talk on the phone. I mean chances are I want to be alone anyway. I get to sleep, watch TV, play with the remote control bed....all kinds of stuff......and then there's the sponge baths!!! Come on don't bug me if I'm there, the damn doctors, nurses and candy stripers will be doing that enough as it is.
So in closing I just want to make one thing perfectly clear. Just because I don't come see your cathetered self all hopped up on goofy pills doesn't mean I don't care....surprisingly I do. Just get well, get out, and let's drink some beers....besides what kind of pussy are you anyway going to the hospital? Take care of yourself like a real man! Practicing self surgery should be common place. Deal with it!!!
Toodles.......
So in closing I just want to make one thing perfectly clear. Just because I don't come see your cathetered self all hopped up on goofy pills doesn't mean I don't care....surprisingly I do. Just get well, get out, and let's drink some beers....besides what kind of pussy are you anyway going to the hospital? Take care of yourself like a real man! Practicing self surgery should be common place. Deal with it!!!
Toodles.......
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I Hate Technology....
Seriously I do!! I mean I see all these new gadgets and computer based things that look like they would make life so much simpler and easier for me, but they don't. I guess my life isn't that complicated that I need a state of the art gizmo to simplify it, but even the basic new wave crap seems to make me want to hang myself with a mouse cord. I recall when the internet was new and useful. Back in the early to mid nineties I could do anything on a computer. Email...no problem! Search engine.....cake! Save to a floppy....with my eyes closed! But now everything is CDR, CDRW, format type, burn, rip, usb port, mp 3 file, surf watch, adware, spyware, underwear........AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can't handle it! My old computer was a piece of crap and wouldn't even turn on, much like most things I touch. So I bought a state of the art Dell last spring. Complete with CD and DVD burners that would make my life easier and more enjoyable.......Ahem! So here I am a year later and I have yet to burn anything. My computer is so bogged down with every kind of virus, worm, spam, and STD that it would make a Brazilian brothel look like a surgery ward. I don't get it. For the money I paid shouldn't I just be able to turn it on, click on internet and go somewhere without getting hit with 45 pop ups about wiener pills and bearded lady men??
This past weekend I bought my wife an MP3 player. I figured out that it's a little machine (about the size of a lighter) that can hold up to 60 songs. Apparently you have to down load, or up load, or blow a load, I don't know, songs from your computer into this device. Sounds like fun! Now I know it can be done because I see people using them and they look like they are enjoying themselves and appear that it has made their life easier some how....so why not me??? I'm simple, I know, but not that simple! I can program my VCR, I can operate heavy machinery....it's these damn light weight ones that are pissing me off!!!!!
So anyway, I hate technology and all the voice activated and cyber space bullshit that goes with it. I hate my cell phone, I hate my computer, and I hate my remote control with the 752 buttons that I don't use!!!
I can't handle it! My old computer was a piece of crap and wouldn't even turn on, much like most things I touch. So I bought a state of the art Dell last spring. Complete with CD and DVD burners that would make my life easier and more enjoyable.......Ahem! So here I am a year later and I have yet to burn anything. My computer is so bogged down with every kind of virus, worm, spam, and STD that it would make a Brazilian brothel look like a surgery ward. I don't get it. For the money I paid shouldn't I just be able to turn it on, click on internet and go somewhere without getting hit with 45 pop ups about wiener pills and bearded lady men??
This past weekend I bought my wife an MP3 player. I figured out that it's a little machine (about the size of a lighter) that can hold up to 60 songs. Apparently you have to down load, or up load, or blow a load, I don't know, songs from your computer into this device. Sounds like fun! Now I know it can be done because I see people using them and they look like they are enjoying themselves and appear that it has made their life easier some how....so why not me??? I'm simple, I know, but not that simple! I can program my VCR, I can operate heavy machinery....it's these damn light weight ones that are pissing me off!!!!!
So anyway, I hate technology and all the voice activated and cyber space bullshit that goes with it. I hate my cell phone, I hate my computer, and I hate my remote control with the 752 buttons that I don't use!!!
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