Why Hookers are a Good Time....

So a few weeks ago I show up and the bar is fairly quiet. The locals had not yet begun turning themselves into bigger drains on society tonight....wait for it....wait for it...wait for it..... BAM! In through the door walks about 25 sloshed souls. A pub crawl was on tap tonight.... YIPPIE! So much fun I could barely hold my colon. I was immediately overwhelmed by dumb. There was cheering, clapping, spilled drinks, and creatures large and small. Some chick got offended that I did not card her because it was her 21st birthday and wanted to show her ID. I suggested she show me something else instead...she chuckled but her parents did not. Hey I'm not PC! 5 minutes later the girl was getting her picture taken with a bunch of her friends and I can proudly say that somewhere right now there is a glorious picture of 21 year old drunk girl, her aunt, her father, and Yurri. I can only assume the aunt had it framed and displayed it on her nightstand next to her blood pressure meds and dentures. So hot! FYI, I too am on blood pressure meds.... things make me mad, whatever! OK, where was I...oh yes HELL!

Amongst the pub crawl attendies were 3 skanks. I can only assume they were skanks because they were wearing see through pants, backless shirts, covered in tatoos and piercings....and oh yeah were hookers. Seriously, actual bonafide prostitutes. How do I know this you ask??? Well I'll tell you. I noticed the 3 hookers on all fours, which is probably common place for them, but raised suspicion in a bar. It was quite an interesting sight seeing the 3 barely dressed cum rags crawling around the floor with a flashlight. I asked one of them what they were doing and with Jim Beam breath she informed me that the tall fugly ho was laughing at something and her fake front tooth fell out of her mouth and they can't find it. She proceeded to tell me that she was also a hooker and that the 3 of them work together... I was overwhelemed with face cracking brilliant information that I burst into a sudden laughing fit. I was so ammused by this the hooker telling me also burst into ha-ha tears and the 2 of us were making a bigger scene then the whores on the floor. Eventually they gave up the search and when I saw the mouth of the toothless 'tute I fell into another fit of laughing shits right in front of her. OH MY GOD SHE HAD A HOLE IN HER FACE! Ironically, she was so embarrassed she had to leave. Now I could not image the things that have touched that tooth and the things she must have done to lose that tooth, but this embarrassed her. Oh, I pat myself on the back for that! My mission that night was to find that tooth...capture it in a jar.... and display it proudly in the bar. To my surprise the tooth was nowhere to be found, unless the girl was using an old chicken wing or a bottle cap for a tooth. Pure class!!!

Interesting note: The week prior to this the bar back was happily telling me about some cute chick that gave him her number...turns out that the hooker speaking to me was that girl. I told him that night that she was a hooker and he no longer wanted to brag about it. Call me crazy but sounds to me like a sure thing!

Back to the Door....

Hello there loyal readers of The Boom Boom Report. Yurri here again with more bar time madness. After a lengthly lay off Yurri is back working the door at a stupider establishment. In fact I have been doing so for about 4 months now. Every Friday and Saturday night, and this time I'm not sober.

Let's see what acts of heroism Yurri can share with thee.....

First off let me start by explaining that almost every weekend I see the same crowd... and I mean the SAME crowd. This is a townie bar if there ever was one, but unlike the last bar this one is full of crack heads and drug dealers. If they're not selling it, they're smoking it. Seriously, this place is crawling with derelicts and the ass of society....and so I begin...

Friday I show up and I'm not yet through the door when a crazy local yells at Yurri and buys me a shot and a beer.... OH BOY! I do my shot, start enjoying my Guiness, and settle into my seat when an off duty officer approaches me with a shot of Jager....OH MY! I can't refuse the law. And so I drink. 15 mins into the night and I am realizing this is gonna be a long night. I must say the best part this night was when I learned that 2 of the bartenders, whom I hate, got into a fight because he was planning on moving out of her place to some other chick's place he was banging in NY, but the other chick had called his current girlfriend that night and told her. So she told him he had to get out of her place by the morning.... So the dickbag went from banging 2 chicks to none and no place to live in abotu 5 hours. HAHA, that's what you get for wearing a bandana like Rambo and trying to act like you're cooler then me...which you aren't PUTZ!

Saturday night was a little more eventful. It was UFC fight night so I had to charge everybody $5 to get in...YEAH, people hate that! So this monstrocity of a man who I'm going to guess is about 6' billion, and weighs close to 7 tons comes wobbling in with a $5 bill in 1 hand and a giant beer mug in the other hand. Now the large fat man has been there before so I was not surprised by his largeness, but the bringing of his own mug was a bit interesting. He kept holding the mug in front of my face and making a gurgling sound. I really didn't know what he wanted. He proceeded to tell me he went to some beer festival today where he won the grand prize....which was $200, some beer tokens, and this engraved beer mug. I was planning on giving him another prize...a swift kick in the pills if he didn't leave me the fuck alone. So he waddled to the bar where he ordered 2 pitchers...of course. About 2 hours later he was found sleeping on said bar. Yurri was hoping to God he wasn't going to have drag this land whale out, so I just poked him in the head and pointed him towards his beer. Thankfully some smallish girl arrived to drive him home. I think she just lured him out with twinkies and dove out of the way. After the fight some black dude was apparently pushing 2 girls and calling them whores...which for me is completely acceptable, but since they work at the bar I had to go do "stuff". I asked the guy if he could just move away from them, and he agreed and took a half step to his left. Nice one pecker head. I was planning on just leaving the situation alone had he actually moved, but not now. I told him he had to leave and of course he argued. The other doorman reinforced the issue by telling him to get out now. He agreed and said he would leave but didn't move. I yelled, "Look man I'm letting you WALK out." He said back, "You're not letting me do anything. You wanna tap? let's go." Well I didn't bring my tapping shoes, nor did I have my clogs, so throwing him out would have to do... Buh bye black man!

While sweeping up one of the bartenders asked me to crack her back....I did and I apparently broker her rib. I felt so bad, that I left while she was doubled over trying to breath.... suck it up lady!

P.S.
3 people got robbed at gun point in the parking lot on Saturday night.... Zippidity-Doo-Da-DAY!

RIP WTC 143........

A message to all muslim camel fuckers:




.........................../¯/
> ....................,/¯../
> .................../..../
> ............./´¯/'...'/´¯/)
> ........../'/.../..../.../.. /¯/
> ........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...'.)
> .........\.................'...../
> ..........\.................../
> ............\..............(
> ..............\.............\....


GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Justin Timberlake is a lying sack of SHIT!!!!

Just who does this little pip squeek think he is??? He's a god damned liar is who he is! Releasing a song saying he's bringing sexy back??? What a crock of hamster spunk! The whole world already knows that Yurrie brought sexy back like 8 months ago! It was mid January and I stepped outside in the frigid Maryland air in a new low cut mint green man thong! BAM!!! Sexy was back!!! The world has not been the same since, and I now have frost bite on one of my nipples! Fuck you JT! Take all my credit will you??? I THINK NOT!!! This reminds me of the guy that tried to steal my idea of wearing long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts! I invented that! And the world has never been the same since!!! Yurrie 2 - Justin Timberlake 0! I win!!!!!!

Guess Who's Back....Back Again....

Strictly for my NINJAS!! Yurri has decided to reclaim his throne as stupidest man on the face of the Earth! In my absence; I've gotten a new job, in Delaware, that sucks 3 times as much as my old one, I've started playing competative fastpitch softball, and I've gotten 11 haircuts! Yep, that's about it! 2 weeks ago I was offered another job working at a bar....I respectfully declined! My days of those shenanigans may be over...because I have no deisre to give up my weekend nights, but mostly because I have not set foot into a gym in 11 months and may be a fat worthless pig at the moment. Unless you count getting thrown out of the championship game in my basketball league last winter. Actually I was thrown out of the facility and I believe banned from the league. I mean you tell a ref to go fuck himself and flip him the bird 2 inches from his nose and they all freak out on you! Whatever...it was a terrible call, I never fouled that guy. Anyway, I will attempt to amuse you once in a while, but who am I kidding...I'm the only one reading this crap!

See ya later Yurri.....
OK Yurri....

Over and OUT...

Welp Friday night came and Yurri did not show up. I decided mid week that it'd be stupid for me to stay there. I had been debating leaving for a while, since it was so dead and lame, but needed a good reason. Since they fucked me over and cut my hours, that seems to be a good enough reason for this guy. I always said when I left that place I would leave on good terms. Why not, right? But I really felt slighted by the way things went down last week and how I was disrespected, so I thought what better way to quit, then return the favor. I knew it was their big weekend and they needed several guys there, so I'd just let them assume I'd show up and then they'd be screwed. I gave no notification and since I'm the guy that gets there early, they had nobody working for the first hour of their festivities. I have no idea what went down there and for all I know things couldn't have gone smoother, but I do know they did not call me or inquire as to what my status was, so apparently the joke was on me!!! Whatever, it's clear now to them all. We've officially parted ways, and now I am back to working one job. Ohhhhhh the Jamaicans would be so angry with me!

There's a good chance I start working somewhere else soon, but where and when are unknown. Hopefully wherever it is there will be free door helmet and donkey punches a plenty!!!!

Tally-ho!

Yurri Takes a Stand, Bar Goes to Hell....

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Old School Flashback: The Rookie...

In January I had been working at the bar for about 6 months. For the previous 2 to 3 months we'd been having a lot of trouble with the same dirt bags refusing to obey our dress code. This was at a time when we had to really crack down on what punks were wearing because the owner just really didn't want them in there. This one particular individual was your typical tiny, skinny, wigger boy, wanna-be tough guy with Napoleon Syndrome. You all know the type. He was about 120 pounds with a 350 pound attitude and we all hated him. He would always wear long shirts, that hung down past his knees, and a big ghetto necklace. We would tell him at the door to tuck in his shirt and chain and 5 minutes later he would untuck the shirt and take his chain out. Now if it's one thing we hate it's when we tell a guy to do something and he totally blows us off and does the opposite. Well, we got tired of telling him over and over again to fix himself while he gave us big time attitude and back talk, so we started throwing him out. 3 weeks in a row we had a confrontation with him and ended up getting into a shouting match which concluded in us either throwing him out or chasing him out. Finally I had enough. He came in and did his usual routine and before he could even smart mouth me I grabbed him, picked him up and drilled him into a wall. Then I opened the doors with his head and threw him in the parking lot and told him to never come back. He yelled back some lame threat and I took one step at him and he ran away like a girl...very funny sight!

Well now the fireworks start. His girlfriend, who was a very hot blonde, approached me 2 minutes later when she heard what happened. She got in my face, literally like 3 inches from my face, while I was sitting by the door. She began yelling, "Who the hell are you to throw my boyfriend out? We've been coming to this bar for 3 years and now you come along and think you can make the rules. Who the fuck are you?" I replied calmly, "I'm the guy that's making the rules." "You're nothing but a rookie. You can't keep my boyfriend from coming in here like you own the place", she said. "Yes I can, and I just did." She yelled back, "I want a fucking reason why. Tell me a reason why. Come on Rookie, give me a reason. You're just a fucking Rookie. Tell me why." I started laughing and replied, "I don't have to tell you a fucking thing you skank. I don't answer to you. So get out of my face you dumb bitch." She didn't take that too well and reached back to slap me but instead another bouncer grabbed her and she hit him instead. He picked her up and tossed her outside as well and the two have never been back again. Now keep in mind the entire time this scene played out, everyone was watching and standing around me. So while I thought a chick screaming at me was funny, my fellow bouncers and bartenders were captivated by her Rookie nickname for me. And instead of coming to my defense or praising me for the way I handled it, they just took the opportunity to brand me with a new nickname that followed me around for the next 4 months. "The Rookie" was born....dumb whore!

Sometimes the Deaf are the Envied....

Oh the sounds of mountain goats butt fucking at midnight would have been a welcomed noise compared to what I had to endure last night. Was that singing or were we just broadcasting diarrhea queefs through feedback for 5 hours??? I couldn't tell and none of the butter knives at arms length were sharp enough to break the skin.

The highlight of the night was a tall spastic homo dressed in a 1970's red and pink butterfly collar 3 piece suit. This guy was a show all to himself and I told the owner to just hire him for a night and sit back. This guy took the stage and I almost shit a barracuda I was laughing so hard. Not only did he sing the gayest songs possible but he bumped, grinded and convulsed in a fruity style all his own. He looked like 40 pounds of shit in a zip lock bag. And I loved every second of him! The best part was he showed up by himself and worked the crowd like he were running for mayor.....better be a mayor in Oregon, Flame Boy!!!

Random event of the night: We have a new Hispanic waitress, who's actually pretty cute. She must have finished up her shift and changed because out of nowhere she came running through the backdoors, like she were the Ultimate Warrior or some shit, dressed in a little skimpy outfit. Ran up onto the stage and sang some provocative Spanish number while she did some crazy salsa dance and touched herself. The place went silent and all eyes were on this little chimichanga. I was so confused. Not only did I not know who she was, where she came from, or what she was saying, but neither did anybody else in the place. She finished up, grabbed a gym bag and ran out the front door waiving to people. I still have no clue what to make of that! My guess is she's a drug smuggler and had to get across the border before the bags ruptured in her anal cavity and she had just enough time to perform one jaw dropping Shakira act to throw the locals off her trail before getting back to the mule work. Sounds reasonable to me, but then again I'm a fucking idiot!

Next weekend....Mechanical Bull Riding returns!!!! Stay tuned....

Old School Flashback: The Repeat Offender...

Since my bar is nowhere near as exciting as it used to be, I will occasionally post an old story from before I had this retarded site. I'll start with this one:

We get a lot of Army guys/girls in our bar since the Aberdeen Proving Grounds are not too far away and our bar used to have the reputation as a dirt bag bar. So they still come in and usually in large packs. Don't get me wrong these guys/girls aren't dirt bags, well not all of them, but they are usually a handful and always hammered. One night a group of about 8 guys were in the bar for a long time. They were hanging out at a table just drinking and having a good time, and generally going unnoticed. One of the guys had become extremely drunk and started hitting on a few girls and asking them to dance incessantly. Sounded like a resonable thing to do to me, but he must have been overly aggressive and annoying to one girl and her boyfriend had asked one of the bouncers, C, if we could tell him to knock it off. C went up to him and tapped him on the shoulder and the guy spun around and shoved him. Now this was at a time when the bar was always packed, wall to wall, with all kinds of degenerates. So we had the mentality of "if you touch me I'm kicking your ass". So C tackled him and began throwing punches at him. The other 2 guys and myself pulled them apart and threw the guy outside. The other Army guys were very cooperative, we thought, and apologized and decided to put him in the truck until they left. We all agreed this was a good idea and went back to work. C had been working the door all night but walked away for a while to calm down so I took over at the door. I never got a good look at the guy we threw out so I couldn't identify him if I wanted to. Now I'm not sure what was going on through this guy's head but instead of just hanging out in the truck he changed his shirt, put on a hooded sweatshirt and took off his glasses and came back in. Of course now that I'm at the door and didn't recognize him, I let him right back in the bar! He was in for about 2 minutes laughing about it with his buddies when the other bouncers caught wind to it and we ended up throwing them all out in a near brawl that spilled into the parking lot. As we threw the guy out the second time C got some revenge and jammed his thumb in his eye while myself and another guy opened the doors with his face. His friends were not pleased with this but did nothing about it. Now I know I'm stupid but I refuse to believe that this was my fault. It could have happened to anyone. The other guys just gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Yurrie, you just threw the guy out and then checked his ID and let him back in. How do you not recognize him?" My only response was, "Hey, he took his glasses off. Not my fault!" They actually came back the next week and were much more behaved. Oh those crazy Jar Heads!!!!

Old Man, Round 2....

Thursday night is apparently drink your face off night now. The place seemed fairly quiet and empty when I arrived last night, but somewhere between the lounge singer karaoke guy and the leaky roof, people showed up and got ripped. We now have a new karaoke guy who honestly looks and sounds like a sleazy lounge singer/used car salesman. I love him. He has a great 1983 porn star moustache.

So as the music was playing and people were singing, a few scragglers began to dance. Old drunken dancing that is. I noticed a nasty woman dancing by herself and repeatedly lifting up her shirt. This was anything but an appealing sight. She would walk back and forth from the dance floor to the bar where an old bald man sat and the whole time acting like a $2 crack whore. As I'm standing around watching ESPN News highlights and doing my best to ignore the debacle, I heard a loud bang. As I looked down to the end of the bar I saw the old bald man laying on the ground and his stool flipped over. I immediately began to chuckle. The guy looked stunned. I approached him, picked up his stool and threw out my hand to help him up. As he fumbled with his money clip and credit cards I realized just how fucking bombed this guy was. He couldn't get up. I literally had to lift him up, then hold him, and prop a chair under his fat wrinkly ass. I checked with the bar tender to make sure the two of them were cut off and paid their tab. She said yes and for me to get them out. SWEET! This is where the fun begins! I leaned into the drunken old farts and informed them they had to leave. They both ignored me. Yeah, I got clout!!! I leaned in further and shouted, "Folks, you got to go. The bartender cut you off and you're way too fucking drunk to be in here." The woman responded, "What? Why?" "Look you got to go. You are too drunk." I stood behind them for a minute waiting to see if they were going to meander out, but still nothing. I again leaned in and repeated a third time. The woman turned to me and said, "Do I have to go too?" "Yes, you freak! You have to go. NOW!" I waited and nothing. Now I was pissed. I grabbed the guy by the shoulder and spun him around and yelled at the two of them. "YOU CAN EITHER WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE ADULTS OR I WILL DRAG YOU OUT. EITHER WAY YOU ARE LEAVING NOW!" At this the woman bolted out but the man seemed unfazed. I figured he was going to protest and protest mightily. I grabbed him again and said, "Sir get out, time to leave." He acted like he had no idea what I was saying and was part deaf. I helped him away from the bar and nudged him towards the door. He got pissy and grabbed a chair to hold himself. "That's it", I said and grabbed him by the pits and pushed him across the bar and out both doors. The other drunkards cheered me on. Yippy, I have fans! I think he got the point when he was outside since he didn't fight back. He took 2 steps into the parking lot, looked around, and fell flat on his face. Literally onto his face. I think his giant beer belly may have cushioned the fall but he hit hard. By the time I walked back in the entire bar was pointing and laughing at him. 2 people went out to see if he was OK. I could have cared less. The funny part is that he tried coming back in 10 minutes later and I had to throw him out a second time. And then talk him out of driving before throwing him in a cab. That was a first! What is it with old guys lately?

There were several other rowdy folks last night too, but nobody else had to get tossed. One gentleman thought it would be funny to stand on the table while dancing, and after I told him to get down, he jumped back up when I turned around. He nearly felt the wrath of Yurrie The Fucking Old Man Bouncer, but instead he apologized and chilled out. DAMN! I think I'm going to go work at the local moose lodge next. Angry drunken vets are the best!

One other point of note. A retarded, or slow, middle aged man was on the scene for the karaoke festivities. He had 2 brilliant renditions of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", and some crappy Backstreet Boys song that actually sounded better when he garbled his way through it. I love retarded karaoke night. I'm going to suggest that as a theme night. Then we can get them all drunk and watch the fun. Why not they don't have to drive. They can just pile into the short bus, or tart cart as it's called. And....I'm spent!

Old Man vs Fat Fuck....

So Mr. The Fucking Giant was challenged to a mano-a-mano full on bar fight Sunday night by a man I can only describe as someone I'd expect to see teaching a high school physics class. During the Colts-Ravens Sunday night game I heard the bartender call my name and noticed him pointing at 2 gentlemen squaring off at the bar. One of the guys, who was sitting down, is a regular and a pretty big guy, nice man too. The other was the aforementioned grey haired daddy-o. I get between them and forearm the old man in the chest and back him away. The other guy says calmly, "Yurrie, get this guy out of here before I kick his ass." You got it fella and I point towards the door and tell Grandpa to get out. He starts walking and half way there turns back and waves for the other guy to meet him outside. I now become angry because I always intend to be nice at first, and it pisses me off when people don't do what I tell them when I can clearly beat the living shit of them. (That's what Patrick Swayze did in Road House) So I grab him, push him towards the door, and said, "Get the fuck out". He spins around and responds, "You can't tell me what to do." "Funny", I said, "I just did. Now get the fuck out." And I pushed him through the first set of doors. Now, Old Man River gets angry and tells me he's going to kick my ass. I tell him ok then take a swing. He declines requesting that I take a swing. (Now I've been to court before for situations like this and I know that unless this guy makes some kind of threatening move towards me I really can't haul off and lay him out....plus he's hammered and like 65) Standing in between 2 sets of doors he sets himself and tells me I'm just a fat fuck and he'll kick my ass and motions for me to "bring it". Now I know I'm no super model and could certainly benefit from losing a few pounds but in no way would I call myself a fat fuck. I didn't even look that fat that night. So I respond, "No, that's not going to happen, now get the fuck out of my bar", and with that I launched him through the second set of doors out onto the sidewalk and walk back inside. I see him get back up and put his dukes up like the Notre Dame Fighting Irish logo and motion for me to come outside. The guy sure was persistent. I waived back to him and blew him a kiss for good measure before he gave up and staggered to his car. I kept thinking how bad it would have looked if I drilled the guy. I mean I'm no Mike Tyson but I know if I would have hit the guy, especially in his state, he would have been down and out in between the doors, and that would have caused me more pain then pleasure.

Now that incident is coming off the heels of Saturday night's incident. Some kid, who I totally hate and would love to beat the snot out of, was being a dick. He was the last guy in the place and me, being the nice guy that I am, was telling him he had to finish his drink and leave or I was taking it from him. He made some comment about how it would not be good for me. I didn't really understand it and I asked him if he wanted to try and make it not good for me. He ended up walking out but as he left he stuck his head back in the door and screamed that I suck dick before running away. This didn't even make me mad. The guy comes in all the time so I know I'll easily see him this week and I will approach him about it. I'm still considering how much of a scene I want to make out of it....stay tuned....

One other point of note. The stupid home schooled girl, I wrote about earlier, thought on Friday night that it would be a good idea to drink all the alcohol in the bar, and then in an act of kindness, share that alcohol with the floor and walls of the ladies room. Now I had just found out that not only was she dumb and home schooled but she was also a total whore. This might sound like the makings of a wonderful girl had she not look like a guy and dress like a homeless crack head. So therefore I took great joy in seeing her get escorted outside and fall down in the parking lot! HA! That's what you get for not laughing at my jokes WHORE!

Freaks and Alcohol Make For Interesting Conversations...

So I get to the bar and notice this gigantic big screen TV in the corner where the DJ usually is. Usually I'm not a big fan of projection screen TVs because the picture sucks, but this thing was crystal clear. The place was pretty full for the Raiders/Patriots game and I was happy cause at least I'd have something to watch while I worked. As I'm starring bright eyed at this marvelous TV a guy approaches me and begins to speak in a highly inebriated voice, "If you can find me....hic-up...a butter luking screen den dat one...hic-up...I will kess yer ass!"...... Hmmmmm, OK. He continues, "I jus tole da bartenner dat we shud...hic-up....git strippers here an put some porn on dat screen.....hic-up!" And then topped it off with, "Git Er Dun!" Uhhhhh....I was stunned and awkwardly replied as I walked away, "Um, that would be creepy!" Some of the people there are so cliché and stereo typical red necks that it scares me.

Nothing good to report from last night, aside from my $30 keno winnings...Woo-Hoo!!! Can a Nigger get a table dance?

Survivor Pool Lock of the Week: Week 1

Week 1 has several interesting choices: Pittsburgh over Tennessee, Minnesota over Tampa, Washington over Chicago, St. Louis over San Fran....these all may be good picks. But my lock of the week is Carolina at home vs New Orleans. The Panthers are very good on offense and have the best defensive line in the game, playing at home against a team who's heads and hearts won't be in it. True the Saints will be emotional, but it is very difficult to play on just emotion and no doubt the team has lacked preparation and game scheming due to the horrifying events that have taken place in NOLA. Add to this that New Orleans has the worst opening day record in football and that spells.....Carolina in week 1!!



EDITOR'S NOTE:
The Panthers lost this game and I suck at gambling! Let us all learn something from this!!!

Gay Times on Hump Night, Fantastic....

OK, It's from my dog, alright? The black eye I have right now, is from my dog. So everybody can stop asking me how it happened and who kicked my ass. Trust me I'd much rather say some guy beat the tar out of me then say my puppy beat me up! Excited jumping dog's head meets unsuspecting owners face while leaning over....and for those of you who are counting, that's the second black eye she's given me this year!!

So I guess you know what the bulk of the bar conversation was about last night. And I thought Tuesdays and Thursdays sucked donkey dick!!! Wednesday's are even worse. Some lame-ass hippie one man band was the entertainment and I swear if he wasn't trying to kill me with boredom he was trying to turn me gay with his song selection. At one point I momentarily contemplated giving the bar back a reach around....EWWWWW.

Nothing good happened. I told some skateboarder punk he had to pull his pants up since they were hanging below his ass and I was sick of seeing his fruity boxers. I know it agitated him and he verified that an hour later when he and his drunken idiot friends toasted a shot to the guy in the corner making sure everyone's pants were up! I thought about getting pissed at that, but it was actually really funny. A few minutes later Missy, the bartender, told me the fat guy at the bar has the same name as her gynecologist. I didn't know what to do with that information and since she could tell I was uncomfortable with this news, she took the liberty to explain to me the process of a pap smear.....OK, THAT'S IT...I'm going back to my corner!

The best part of the night was at the very end when Missy made some comment about, "lights on or lights off" and the drunken lonely Chinese man sitting behind her leaped to his feet and screamed, "Was that some vague 'wax on, wax off' reference?" "I try so hard to find a bar where I can hang out and people do not make fun of yellow people but NOOOOOOOO, you guys are just the same as everyone else. Everyone hates yellow people!" I was laughing so hard at this but managed to respond, "Hey, I love the Simpsons!" Which seemed to get a good reaction out of him. Oh god I love Orientals!!!

Hey, This Brown Trout is GOOD......

Question about New Orleans..... Now that the city is totally flooded and flooded with raw sewage and dead things that go stink in the night. Why exactly are they pumping this crap back into Lake Pontchartrain and the Mississippi River??? I understand they want to empty the city so they can assess the damage and find the dead ASAP....but seriously isn't this just moving the problem from one spot to another? Now they're going to have a giant lake full of shit to the north of the city. Great! Is this really any less hazardous, well maybe a little less, but how exactly are they going to clean this lake? The pipe on this thing is about 3 feet wide. They're going to be pumping dead babies and cats into the lake. Mmmmmmmmmm...smells like creole to me. And people say Jersey stinks.

I hate hearing the blame game after a tragedy or natural disaster. Everybody's smarter in hind sight. I'm not exactly supporting the President or knocking him here but shouldn't the people of New Orleans bare the brunt of the responsibility here. I mean it's not like the state is located outside an area of risk. Hurricanes flow through there all the time. I'd say outside of Florida and North Carolina, the Gulf Coast is third on list of likely destinations of a hurricane. So why exactly was a major city, surrounded by water on all sides, only equipped to handle a category 3 hurricane? That seems like some pretty lame ass preparations for hundreds of thousands of people. Did they just say, "Whelp, this is good enough. We doubt anything greater then a category 3 will ever come close to New Orleans."??? The pumps, levees and even the mind set of these people are so lack luster...I mean I know it's called the Big Easy, but really take some damn responsibility. This is mainly directed at the mayor and governor who seem to enjoy tossing blame on others for not helping enough or quickly enough rather then saying, "Damn, we just didn't prepare enough for this!"

Regardless, an entire city has been destroyed, probably tens of thousands have died, and when all is said and done, you will still have one giant shit filled lake to the north of the city to deal with! Hey...SHOW YOUR TITS!

Shut Up And Dig....

I originally posted this on a friend's website and thought it was blog worthy...whatever, is anything I write on here really blogworthy?? It was in response to his comments on the sky rocketing gas prices and his thoughts on how we should stop the hysterics and why we should seek drilling in Alaska....my retort:

"I totally agree with your point about Alaska. What do I care about conserving the wildlife in Alaska for when I'm paying nearly $4.00 a gallon for gas? At these prices I will never get to see first hand the marvelous nature way north that we have so desperately preserved since I'm fucking broke!!!

God forbid I can afford to put gas in my car so I can go to work and make a living and pay my bills, and support my family, but at least we have preserved mother nature...right? FUCK YOU, you god damned tree huggers!!! Who gives a rat's ass about a nice tree or a beautiful landscape in the middle of bumblefuck around the arctic circle when anything and everything that's important in the world is south of Canada and the fucking camel fucking towel heads are ass raping us for importing their sand cricket oil. Eat me you fucking Liberal dip shits! It's a fucking a tree...there are billions and billions of them and guess what...we can grow more. What fucking purpose does a penguin serve anyway? Are they even part of the god damned food chain?? Has anybody ever eaten a penguin? Do penguins help the environment? They can't even fly!!! Will the ecosystems of the world shut down with the lack of Chilly Fucking Willy?? We seem to be doing just fine without the Dodo bird! Hey if it means I can fill my tank and spend less then $20 doing it once again, then cut the trees, relocate the fat birds, and let's start digging for some Alaskan tea...OIL THAT IS!!!!"

Peanut Butter Neck.....

So apparently I have been at the receiving end of some embarrassing work episodes as of late. Most recently I was a victim of my dog. I have 2 labs and one of them I have to give a pill 3 times a day for some skin irritation she has. I was loading the pill with peanut butter to make sure she swallows it. Now anybody with 2 dogs knows that if you give 1 dog food, you must give the other one some too. So I feed the little one a bit of peanut butter too. No problem. So the other morning before work I'm doing the daily peanut butter trick (not the penis one Freaks!) and all is well. I finish up and go put my socks on so I can get ready to leave. As I'm sitting on the edge of my bed the little pup comes up behind me and starts licking the back of my neck and head area and I can smell her peanut butter breath. I push her away and not thinking anything of it, go on my way to work. 2 minutes into my day my coworker comes up behind me and asks why I have stains all over my collar and shoulder. Stains that look like mustard!!! What?? I'm confused and have no idea what he's talking about so I head to the bathroom where I notice the nastiness. I'm stumped! It wasn't there when I got dressed! I start to wash it off and then I smell it...peanut butter! That little fucker smeared peanut butter all over the back of my collar and upper shoulder. I had to spend the entire day with giant peanut butter stains on my neck! I now have switched to putting the pill in cheese!

While I'm on the subject I'll fill you in on the other mishaps I've been on the catcher side of recently. I once came to work with 2 different colored shoes on. To this day I don't know exactly how I pulled that off, but I'm sure it again goes back to something my dogs did. I noticed just as I got to work, while riding the elevator up, that I had on 1 black dress shoe, a suit shoe, and 1 brown loafer type shoe. They weren't even the same style!!! I was horribly embarrassed and thought it was hilarious at the same time. I managed to hide it from my coworkers the whole day until 10 minutes before the end of the day when I decided it was far too funny not to tell anybody. I did not know the asshole next to me would go into a laughing fit that would propell him to the floor and only manage to breathe long enough to announce to the floor over the intercom that Yurrie The Fucking Giant had on 2 different colored shoes!!!! Fuck, I brought that upon myself!!!

The other incident went unnoticed. About an hour and half before the end of the day I must have sat wrong in my chair and somehow I managed to tear a huge slice down my right ass check. My suit pants literally split from mid pocket to almost mid thigh. My faggoty ass striped boxers were completely exposed, and unfortunately my job requires that I stand up often to relay trade tickets. Oh this was a dilly of a pickle. Somehow between awkwardly holding my ass check and sliding my chair about I was able to hide the fact that I ripped open a hole in my suit from my coworkers and when 5:00 hit I tossed my jacket on, and twenty-three skidooed out of there! Why does this shit keep happening to me??

So there you go. My misery is your enjoyment! Hooray Beer!

Wasted Humor....

So I show up last night and the usual is going on.... not much action. The Ravens were playing their final pre-season game of the season and not many fans showed up to watch, and I can't blame them. Who wants to watch a bunch of 3rd stringers and talentless scrubs trying to make the team? I mean half these guys will be bagging groceries next week, so why should I care about what they do in a meaningless football game. Plus I hate the Ravens and the majority of their bandwagon moronic fans, but that's another story!

Here's the skinny on the evenings activity. I wouldn't let 2 brothas in because they were dressed too thuggish. Even though the place was empty, I felt like being confrontational and decided to bust their balls about their attire. I told the first guy who had the gold fronts, that he couldn't come in because of his outfit. He asked what was wrong with it and I replied, "You can't wear those shorts in here." Pretty lame I know, but that is in the dress code. More or less you can't look like a dirt bag, thug, gangster, or any form of trouble. They leave and then promptly return where he asks, "Yo Man, I see all dem people right dere wearin shorts, why can't I wear shorts?". I said, "You can wear shorts in here, you just can't wear THOSE shorts in here!" He looked a bit confused and then walked out...again without confrontation. Doesn't anybody like to argue anymore???

Later on 4 Army guys came in and were kind of being loud and obnoxious and were becoming a pain. They had pissed off both bartenders and 2 groups of girls already because their miserable attempts at picking them up were...well miserable. As they left, the head dick head stopped by these 2 girls, where I happened to be standing, and stated, "I've been in the military for 12 years and have fought in Iraq to give you folks the right to sit here right now, and this is how I get treated!?!" This severely pissed me off so I did like any guy in that situation would do....I lied. "Who cares, I was a Navy Seal for 6 years, go fuck yourself!" He stumbled out without a response. The 2 girls then questioned the validity of my statement where I confessed it was a lie. I got a big kick out of it....like usual I was the only one.

Throughout the night, as people were coming in and giving me their ID, I would explain to them that it is Karaoke night and ask them what song they were going to sing. When they told me they weren't singing I would tell them that it's a 1 song minimum. Not funny I know, but one girl asked me when I was going to sing and I told her I already did my song. When she asked what song it was I told her it was an opera. HA! I still think that's funny...she chuckled...I'm lame....

More wasted humor.... Towards the end of the night I was chatting with a regular who always shoots pool. She told me she grew up in the area but was home schooled. I thought that was pretty cool and responded, "Wow, I've never met anyone who was home schooled before. What was your school mascot?" Silence...and she repeated, "No, I was home schooled." I said, "I know, what was your school mascot?" Fully expecting her to get the joke the second time she just gave me a pained expression and I said, "You didn't get the Joke." "No, I get it.....", she said. "No, no you don't", I responded and ended the conversation. I absolutely hate wasted humor. Come on!!!! I'm bored!!!! I'm being funny!!!! Throw me a fricking bone!!!!!

Red Necks, Cell Phones, Tourettes, OH MY.....

And the saga continues....which one is that? The one of my complete boredom. I long for the days when I used to have to yell at drunkards, enforce dress codes, toss out dirt bags and break up fights. Now I sit, I watch, I scratch, and I attempt to amuse myself.

Another karaoke night....another headache. There was a rehearsal dinner going on last night so I knew at some point in the night these people would provide some entertainment. They didn't disappoint. Ladies and Gentlemen....meet your singers! Nothing real spectacular occurred, shocking I know, aside from the hammered red neck that insisted on singing every song, even getting involved in other people's songs. But believe you me, you have never been exposed to the most excruciating noise on Earth until you've heard a drunken red neck shout "Thank God I'm a Country Boy"! YEE-HAW motherfucker....yee-haw!

At one point in the evening I was told there may be some trouble concerning a woman in the bathroom. Apparently some lady grabbed a guy's cell phone and took off into the bathroom and would not come out or give it back. At one point even stating, "You'll have to call the cops before I come out." HA! I'll be damned if I can't drag a woman out of the shitter! The gentlemen told me all he wanted to do was get his phone and leave but this lady keeps taking pictures and sending them to her boyfriend. So I went in after "crazy bitch". I busted open the ladies room door and proclaimed, "Whoever is in here with this gentlemen's phone better come out now and give me the phone or I'm dragging everyone one of you out of here and throwing you out!" Boy, that felt good. I immediately heard, "Ok", and the lady came out. After the guy left I asked her what the deal was. Here's the kicker. Apparently this guy was taking pictures up this ladies skirt all night and got caught. The woman grabbed the phone and ran and was attempting to delete the pictures from the guy's phone! AWESOME! I totally love that guy now!!!

Nothing else of note occurred last night, other then the bartender, Missy, telling me she thinks I have tourettes! NICE! I'm really gonna play that up from now on!