The Amazing Yurrie's Weekly Horoscope 04/11/05....

Aries (3/21-4/19):
Be on the alert this week for fags. They will be highly attracted to you and attempt mightily to jam their fingers in your ass. Try walking sideways and sleeping on your back. Also look for your face to fall off somewhere around Thursday, only to reappear on your ass, but seriously will anybody really notice?? On Saturday try putting squirrels down your pants....

Taurus (4/20-5/20):
Taurus' by nature on not very cool so don't expect anything different this week. Look for plenty of teasing, mocking, wedgies and noogies. Don't fight it. Just wear tear away underwear and put yourself in a happy place, which most likely will be a Star Trek Convention or at Space Camp. Good luck this week, you'll need it, DORK!

Gemini (5/21-6/21):
There will be plenty of tea bagging for you this week, men and women!! This is the week when your slutty nature bursts onto the scene. Expect to get laid at least 35 times this week so stretch out and lube up. There's a high probability of catching an STD or 2 so don't be surprised. Also your dog will burst into flames.

Cancer (6/22-7/22):
This should be a very interesting week for you. Not only will you get a promotion at work but you will also get fired. But don't worry you won't be unemployed for long because you will be hit by a train over the weekend. Over 2,000 people per year get killed by passing trains, and this week you folks drew the short straw. Start making arrangements now....it will be easier!

Leo (7/23-8/22):
The weather will be nice this week so go outside, but don't answer your door. I can't tell you why but trust me, don't answer it. Also if you see a red pick-up truck in your neighborhood, hide. And if a man in a cape asks you for a light and the time in Denmark, just pretend you're a yard flamingo and he'll go away....or lick you....either way it's worth it.

Virgo (8/23-9/22):
Short skirts and ear muffs are on the menu for you this week. That's what you will look best in. Be rebellious, show off that camel toe! This week cheetos are your friend and bacon strips make great lovers. Be kind to your mailman and he won't take a dump in your flower bed. And your parents hate you!

Libra (9/23-10/22):
Love is in the air....and if you catch it, it will kill you. Best if you just live in a bubble for about 10 days just to make sure. During down time try putting squirrels down your pants. If you get the urge, paint the rug and bury your spatulas. Trust me it'll come in handy.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21):
Quite possibly you're the coolest people on the planet, so do whatever you want....as long as you don't wear pants! Yep, it's another no pants week so drop it like it's hot. And do something yourself. Give yourself a Brazilian wax and then go neuter the dog.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21):
Hey, it's kill a mime week. Go out and find a mime and kill it. Then put squirrels down your pants and kill yourself too. After that you're free to enjoy the week. Please, do not harm the squirrels!!

Capricorn (12/22-1/19):
Your car won't start. Your house will burn down. Your Grandparents will die, or if already dead will come back to life to see how much of a loser you are and die of embarrassment. Your dog will hump a lamp post and get electrocuted. A goat will eat all your hair and then die. But other then that, this will be the best week of your life! Party On Nut Rod!

Aquarius (1/20-2/18):
I doubt anybody will talk to you this week so things are already looking up. If you decide to leave your house, only wear lace. You should go fishing and play croquet, heck try them both at the same time. Anytime you see a garbage truck, yell out, "PANTY RAID"! and then do a cartwheel.

Pisces (2/19-3/20):
This week will be an awkward week for you if you work in the food services field. Try something new like taking a shower or washing your hands even, you fucking slob! Here's an idea....try picking your ass, wiping your sweaty face, and coughing into your hands before making my burrito, you greasy, disgusting Mexican douche bag!!! Here's some insight for you: go to hell!!! For the rest of you, enjoy the week, just don't eat the burritos. Oh yeah and your child's head will fall off Friday night.