So apparently I have been at the receiving end of some embarrassing work episodes as of late. Most recently I was a victim of my dog. I have 2 labs and one of them I have to give a pill 3 times a day for some skin irritation she has. I was loading the pill with peanut butter to make sure she swallows it. Now anybody with 2 dogs knows that if you give 1 dog food, you must give the other one some too. So I feed the little one a bit of peanut butter too. No problem. So the other morning before work I'm doing the daily peanut butter trick (not the penis one Freaks!) and all is well. I finish up and go put my socks on so I can get ready to leave. As I'm sitting on the edge of my bed the little pup comes up behind me and starts licking the back of my neck and head area and I can smell her peanut butter breath. I push her away and not thinking anything of it, go on my way to work. 2 minutes into my day my coworker comes up behind me and asks why I have stains all over my collar and shoulder. Stains that look like mustard!!! What?? I'm confused and have no idea what he's talking about so I head to the bathroom where I notice the nastiness. I'm stumped! It wasn't there when I got dressed! I start to wash it off and then I smell it...peanut butter! That little fucker smeared peanut butter all over the back of my collar and upper shoulder. I had to spend the entire day with giant peanut butter stains on my neck! I now have switched to putting the pill in cheese!
While I'm on the subject I'll fill you in on the other mishaps I've been on the catcher side of recently. I once came to work with 2 different colored shoes on. To this day I don't know exactly how I pulled that off, but I'm sure it again goes back to something my dogs did. I noticed just as I got to work, while riding the elevator up, that I had on 1 black dress shoe, a suit shoe, and 1 brown loafer type shoe. They weren't even the same style!!! I was horribly embarrassed and thought it was hilarious at the same time. I managed to hide it from my coworkers the whole day until 10 minutes before the end of the day when I decided it was far too funny not to tell anybody. I did not know the asshole next to me would go into a laughing fit that would propell him to the floor and only manage to breathe long enough to announce to the floor over the intercom that Yurrie The Fucking Giant had on 2 different colored shoes!!!! Fuck, I brought that upon myself!!!
The other incident went unnoticed. About an hour and half before the end of the day I must have sat wrong in my chair and somehow I managed to tear a huge slice down my right ass check. My suit pants literally split from mid pocket to almost mid thigh. My faggoty ass striped boxers were completely exposed, and unfortunately my job requires that I stand up often to relay trade tickets. Oh this was a dilly of a pickle. Somehow between awkwardly holding my ass check and sliding my chair about I was able to hide the fact that I ripped open a hole in my suit from my coworkers and when 5:00 hit I tossed my jacket on, and twenty-three skidooed out of there! Why does this shit keep happening to me??
So there you go. My misery is your enjoyment! Hooray Beer!
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