Old Man, Round 2....

Thursday night is apparently drink your face off night now. The place seemed fairly quiet and empty when I arrived last night, but somewhere between the lounge singer karaoke guy and the leaky roof, people showed up and got ripped. We now have a new karaoke guy who honestly looks and sounds like a sleazy lounge singer/used car salesman. I love him. He has a great 1983 porn star moustache.

So as the music was playing and people were singing, a few scragglers began to dance. Old drunken dancing that is. I noticed a nasty woman dancing by herself and repeatedly lifting up her shirt. This was anything but an appealing sight. She would walk back and forth from the dance floor to the bar where an old bald man sat and the whole time acting like a $2 crack whore. As I'm standing around watching ESPN News highlights and doing my best to ignore the debacle, I heard a loud bang. As I looked down to the end of the bar I saw the old bald man laying on the ground and his stool flipped over. I immediately began to chuckle. The guy looked stunned. I approached him, picked up his stool and threw out my hand to help him up. As he fumbled with his money clip and credit cards I realized just how fucking bombed this guy was. He couldn't get up. I literally had to lift him up, then hold him, and prop a chair under his fat wrinkly ass. I checked with the bar tender to make sure the two of them were cut off and paid their tab. She said yes and for me to get them out. SWEET! This is where the fun begins! I leaned into the drunken old farts and informed them they had to leave. They both ignored me. Yeah, I got clout!!! I leaned in further and shouted, "Folks, you got to go. The bartender cut you off and you're way too fucking drunk to be in here." The woman responded, "What? Why?" "Look you got to go. You are too drunk." I stood behind them for a minute waiting to see if they were going to meander out, but still nothing. I again leaned in and repeated a third time. The woman turned to me and said, "Do I have to go too?" "Yes, you freak! You have to go. NOW!" I waited and nothing. Now I was pissed. I grabbed the guy by the shoulder and spun him around and yelled at the two of them. "YOU CAN EITHER WALK OUT OF HERE LIKE ADULTS OR I WILL DRAG YOU OUT. EITHER WAY YOU ARE LEAVING NOW!" At this the woman bolted out but the man seemed unfazed. I figured he was going to protest and protest mightily. I grabbed him again and said, "Sir get out, time to leave." He acted like he had no idea what I was saying and was part deaf. I helped him away from the bar and nudged him towards the door. He got pissy and grabbed a chair to hold himself. "That's it", I said and grabbed him by the pits and pushed him across the bar and out both doors. The other drunkards cheered me on. Yippy, I have fans! I think he got the point when he was outside since he didn't fight back. He took 2 steps into the parking lot, looked around, and fell flat on his face. Literally onto his face. I think his giant beer belly may have cushioned the fall but he hit hard. By the time I walked back in the entire bar was pointing and laughing at him. 2 people went out to see if he was OK. I could have cared less. The funny part is that he tried coming back in 10 minutes later and I had to throw him out a second time. And then talk him out of driving before throwing him in a cab. That was a first! What is it with old guys lately?

There were several other rowdy folks last night too, but nobody else had to get tossed. One gentleman thought it would be funny to stand on the table while dancing, and after I told him to get down, he jumped back up when I turned around. He nearly felt the wrath of Yurrie The Fucking Old Man Bouncer, but instead he apologized and chilled out. DAMN! I think I'm going to go work at the local moose lodge next. Angry drunken vets are the best!

One other point of note. A retarded, or slow, middle aged man was on the scene for the karaoke festivities. He had 2 brilliant renditions of Lionel Ritchie's "Hello", and some crappy Backstreet Boys song that actually sounded better when he garbled his way through it. I love retarded karaoke night. I'm going to suggest that as a theme night. Then we can get them all drunk and watch the fun. Why not they don't have to drive. They can just pile into the short bus, or tart cart as it's called. And....I'm spent!